I’m a pretty big Twitter nut. I follow the usual athletes, a few politicians and the occasional news/media outlets. However, it is my new Twitter “obsession” that is beginning to take a toll on my ability to parent effectively… The “I’m not a guy, but I am going to tell you what is gross about you so that you can teach your son to not do it when he grows up” propaganda.
Ive read a lot of articles recently that focusses on bad habits and why dad’s need to be better role models for their sons. First of all, I don’t judge my ability to parent based on someone opinion about how inappropriate men are… and second, it’s already too late!
This morning, while shaving over the sink, I ran across this blog that listed the top five things that all boys need to be taught to avoid. I get it, we men are gross, but what you don’t understand is we don’t care. I’m in no way advocating for living like someone on Hoarders or even saying that I don’t qualify for the Metrosexual Club of America… but as my grandfather once said, “Leave the guy alone, it’s all he’s got left!”
Here are the Top Five I am supposed to help my son avoid: (I copied this word for word and then added my commentary in ITALICS):
1. The pick-and-flick
“Speaking of nasty things being flung around at full speed and “disappearing” — ugh! Tissues: Please get a box!”
Tissues? Nope, they’re a waste of time and trees (wait are tissues made from trees)? Either way, There is absolutely no way in hell this can be avoided. Plus boogers are biodegradable, i heard that from Al Gore in his Global Warming Documentary and hey, he won a Nobel Peace Prize, so you know he’s got to be right.
2. Leaving beard shavings all over the sink
“We know you see those tiny trimmings all over the sides of the sink. It’s time to take some responsibility, man!”
I think I may have missed the memo on this one while researching for this blog entry. (see above). In all reality, shaving is one of the most horrible and miserable parts of being a guy… Wait, What? You hate shaving too? Ohh, that’s right, you have to shave your legs. By the way… do I complain about the stubble you leave in the shower? Right, then leave me alone.
3. Stink Bombs
“Some men take pride in having really offensive, faint-inducing gas. Save this “fun” for your college buddies, not cuddle time on the couch. And if you always emit fumes that smell like toxic waste, lay off the milk or see a specialist, puh-lease! (P.S.: Dutch ovens are not funny.”
And you are telling this to a guy who uses the Poop emoji 💩on his phone more than regular punctuation. Bottom line, poop💩 is funny and farts are even funnier. I must have blogged about poo 💩 three times a week since Jax was born. There is no way I’m teaching Jackson NOT to fart. Even now at five and a half months old he laughs at his own gas… he doesn’t know his own name yet, but he thinks farts are funny. Why you ask, because farts are funny. If I am going to impart any knowledge on him in regards to “stink bombs” it will be how to hide them and the art of blaming others (Crop Dusting).
4. Public Scratcing
“What are the reasons behind the constant scratching and shifting around? Take it down a notch, bud.”
GUILTY.AS.CHARGED. But here’s the thing, there is absolutely no way to avoid this. This is not so much a gross habit as it is a life skill. This is something I’m already witnessing happen and the kid is only in a diaper. I can’t even get his onesie completely unbuttoned before he has his little fingers down below attempting to adjust himself. Guys scratch, guys adjust. Jax will too.
5. Peeing on the toilet seat
“Do not blame this on waking up in the middle of the night and being too groggy to see what you’re doing. No one’s asking you to pee into the opening of a soda can, for goodness sakes. It’s a big bowl — just aim straight for the middle. And then put the seat down when you’re done, k?”
See now I generally agree with this one, however, I do not want to raise a son who thinks that men and women aren’t equal or that men do things that women “can’t.” I absolutely agree that we need to pee in the toilet, I try to turn it into a game… put a cheerio in there and see how long you can keep the stream in the middle… kind of like that game at the carnival with the water guns. However, expecting men to life the seat and put it back down for women just sends a message of inequality. You see toilet seats are gross and dirty and women can get dirty just as much as a guy can. I want Jackson to grow up with the understanding that men and women are equal. Any job a guy can do… there is a women out there who can do it just as well.
I want to thank SheKnows.com women’s website for the interesting read about Gross Guy Habits and how a father needs to teach his son better. I’ll do my best as a new dad to teach my son right from wrong, and I will always use each situation, mistakes or otherwise, as a teachable moment… but the above requests… probably not going to happen.
Sorry Son: Chronicles of a New Dad 