Other People’s Poo

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You know how before you become a parent everything that comes out of a baby is disguising and gross… well that doesn’t change much when you do become a parent.  Your own kids bodily fluids become a little more tolerable because, well really you don’t have much of a choice. I never thought i’d be so nonchalant about having been pooped on or having to wipe someone else s butt, but apparently there is an innate ability to do so when you become a parent.

However, and that is a HUGE HOWEVER… that does not and will not change your ability to withstand other people’s poo.  I know I’ve written about this before: (https://newdadchronicles.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/ocd-and-yuck/), but this morning took on a whole new meaning of grossness.

This morning I watched no less then three people step in human poo.  Where did the poo come from? When did it get there?  No one actually knows… Or at least they aren’t willing to admit it.  Poop is funny to me… Poop is always funny to most people, but poop is also always gross.

There will never be a time when someone who steps in poop is not funny. Yea it probably sucks a little bit for the people who need to clean that up, but it’s funny for the rest of us. Knowing that somewhere out there there’s someone dropping a log and then running away giddy as can be is super funny. We may not know who it was… We don’t even know his real name, but for the purpose of this story we will just refer to him as the  “Brown Bomber.”

I’m not going to sit and say that all of a sudden I’m able to face poop head on; I still want nothing to do with it.   There is still a feeling of (even if its just for a minute) where you wish you didn’t have to cleanup someone else’s poop… especially as I catch my son’s eye and he gives me that look of, “Yup,  I just pooed all over the place…  What are you gonna do about it?  Nothing, except clean it up.  Because I own you now.” That’s the reason why your own kid’s poop is something you have to take care of.  It’s not an option it’s just something you have to do.

…other people’s poo… ehhhhh… can’t do it…

Shout out the SW who took one for the team and stepped all in the poo pile first!

OCD and Yuck

I’m not sure sometimes who I’m writing this blog for… is really for Jackson?  Is it for others who share my infinity for hilarious things that happen on a day to day basis?  Or is it for me to finally come clean about my inner issues?

Well if it’s the latter I guess its time to come clean about something… I’m OCD… not Jack Nicholas from As Good as it Gets OCD… but OCD non-the-less.   Not so much a huge deal when you live at home with a wife who is relatively clean and tidy, but a HUGE problem when you bring a little mess maker into the world.  My OCD ramps up when things aren’t clean and tidy… when things are messy I get anxious.  When things are dirty or germy I want to barf!  Then you bring in this amazing little wonder into the house who makes every rainy day bright… but also brings with him germs that definitely could be derived from the Black Plague.

Here’s a list of my top three OCD inducing, dry-heave making issues:

1)  Spit up:  I don’t know about you, but the precursor to vomit (spit up) is just as disgusting as puke itself.  I cannot deal with it.  Why does it happen every single time I forget to put a bib on him or a burp cloth on my shoulder?   Why is it hot? (My microwave can’t even heat up a cup of coffee that fast, how did he get it to 287 degrees farenheight in 14 seconds?  Worst case scenario, Jax spits up while we are all eating… once that happens any food in the vicinity is dead to me… and there is no amount of hunger that could repair the damage done.

2)  Caca:  Caca is different from poop.  Poop is just that poop… it happens, its gross but you just deal.  But caca is disgusting.  I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to smell it, I don’t even want to know it happened.  Caca is the one where you know you are going to be sick when you hear the noises you child’s butt is making during the process.  All I can think about is caca particles beong released into the atmosphere.  I know they are there, you cant see them, but they are there waiting to penetrate everything you love… your clothes, your cup of water, even your pillow case… then it’s HELLO PINK EYE…

3)  Floor Yuck:  Floor yuck is another kind of invisible disgustingness that lurks around, well it lurks around the floor I guess.  There is this repulsive cycle that I feel takes place in this world and it is far too often overlooked.

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Now the variable here is floor yuck… you see floor yuck can be categorized into three main groups:

      1)  Caca Yuck: Anything poo related, dog poo, baby poo, diaper remnants, shoe prints that stepped in poo… or anything that could have come in contact with poo. There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world to solve this problem.

      2)  Insect Yuck: There is nothing that makes me shiver more than bugs.  I hate them, they are disgusting and I wish Noah never invited two of each on the arc.  They are bringers of eternal disgustingness and literally carry every type of disease known to man.  I want nothing to do with any of them.

      3)  Blood Yuck: Blood is right up there in the things that I wish didn’t exist.  I know we need it to live… but couldn’t we have filled our veins with something useful, like maple syrup or a good IPA?  I hate blood, the sight of it makes me want to pass out.  The problem is that people bleed all the time, they bleed and let it drip, they leave a Hansel and Gretel bread crumb trail from their injury site to the bathroom where the Band-Aids are… then they wipe up the trail with a wet paper towel.  I don’t care how strong the Brawny Man is… he aint cleaning up plasma and white blood cells.  If blood touches the floor you might as well tear it up and burn it.

So you can see that I have slight issues with life sometimes.  The thing is… Jax will inevitably make me want to vomit from time to time… weather it’s a diaper full of caca, spitting up or picking something up off the floor and shoving it into his mouth.  I guess this blog is my way of admitting I may have a problem.

 

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Gross Habits Passed Down: Article Review

I’m a pretty big Twitter nut. I follow the usual athletes, a few politicians and the occasional news/media outlets. However, it is my new Twitter “obsession” that is beginning to take a toll on my ability to parent effectively… The “I’m not a guy, but I am going to tell you what is gross about you so that you can teach your son to not do it when he grows up” propaganda.

Ive read a lot of articles recently that focusses on bad habits and why dad’s need to be better role models for their sons. First of all, I don’t judge my ability to parent based on someone opinion about how inappropriate men are… and second, it’s already too late!

This morning, while shaving over the sink, I ran across this blog that listed the top five things that all boys need to be taught to avoid. I get it, we men are gross, but what you don’t understand is we don’t care. I’m in no way advocating for living like someone on Hoarders or even saying that I don’t qualify for the Metrosexual Club of America… but as my grandfather once said, “Leave the guy alone, it’s all he’s got left!”

Here are the Top Five I am supposed to help my son avoid: (I copied this word for word and then added my commentary in ITALICS):

1. The pick-and-flick
“Speaking of nasty things being flung around at full speed and “disappearing” — ugh! Tissues: Please get a box!”

Tissues? Nope, they’re a waste of time and trees (wait are tissues made from trees)? Either way, There is absolutely no way in hell this can be avoided. Plus boogers are biodegradable, i heard that from Al Gore in his Global Warming Documentary and hey, he won a Nobel Peace Prize, so you know he’s got to be right.
2. Leaving beard shavings all over the sink
“We know you see those tiny trimmings all over the sides of the sink. It’s time to take some responsibility, man!”

I think I may have missed the memo on this one while researching for this blog entry. (see above). In all reality, shaving is one of the most horrible and miserable parts of being a guy… Wait, What? You hate shaving too? Ohh, that’s right, you have to shave your legs. By the way… do I complain about the stubble you leave in the shower? Right, then leave me alone.

3. Stink Bombs
“Some men take pride in having really offensive, faint-inducing gas. Save this “fun” for your college buddies, not cuddle time on the couch. And if you always emit fumes that smell like toxic waste, lay off the milk or see a specialist, puh-lease! (P.S.: Dutch ovens are not funny.”

And you are telling this to a guy who uses the Poop emoji 💩on his phone more than regular punctuation. Bottom line, poop💩 is funny and farts are even funnier. I must have blogged about poo 💩 three times a week since Jax was born. There is no way I’m teaching Jackson NOT to fart. Even now at five and a half months old he laughs at his own gas… he doesn’t know his own name yet, but he thinks farts are funny. Why you ask, because farts are funny. If I am going to impart any knowledge on him in regards to “stink bombs” it will be how to hide them and the art of blaming others (Crop Dusting).

4. Public Scratcing
“What are the reasons behind the constant scratching and shifting around? Take it down a notch, bud.”

GUILTY.AS.CHARGED. But here’s the thing, there is absolutely no way to avoid this. This is not so much a gross habit as it is a life skill. This is something I’m already witnessing happen and the kid is only in a diaper. I can’t even get his onesie completely unbuttoned before he has his little fingers down below attempting to adjust himself. Guys scratch, guys adjust. Jax will too.

5. Peeing on the toilet seat
“Do not blame this on waking up in the middle of the night and being too groggy to see what you’re doing. No one’s asking you to pee into the opening of a soda can, for goodness sakes. It’s a big bowl — just aim straight for the middle. And then put the seat down when you’re done, k?”

See now I generally agree with this one, however, I do not want to raise a son who thinks that men and women aren’t equal or that men do things that women “can’t.” I absolutely agree that we need to pee in the toilet, I try to turn it into a game… put a cheerio in there and see how long you can keep the stream in the middle… kind of like that game at the carnival with the water guns. However, expecting men to life the seat and put it back down for women just sends a message of inequality. You see toilet seats are gross and dirty and women can get dirty just as much as a guy can. I want Jackson to grow up with the understanding that men and women are equal. Any job a guy can do… there is a women out there who can do it just as well.

I want to thank SheKnows.com women’s website for the interesting read about Gross Guy Habits and how a father needs to teach his son better. I’ll do my best as a new dad to teach my son right from wrong, and I will always use each situation, mistakes or otherwise, as a teachable moment… but the above requests… probably not going to happen.