I’m not sure sometimes who I’m writing this blog for… is really for Jackson? Is it for others who share my infinity for hilarious things that happen on a day to day basis? Or is it for me to finally come clean about my inner issues?
Well if it’s the latter I guess its time to come clean about something… I’m OCD… not Jack Nicholas from As Good as it Gets OCD… but OCD non-the-less. Not so much a huge deal when you live at home with a wife who is relatively clean and tidy, but a HUGE problem when you bring a little mess maker into the world. My OCD ramps up when things aren’t clean and tidy… when things are messy I get anxious. When things are dirty or germy I want to barf! Then you bring in this amazing little wonder into the house who makes every rainy day bright… but also brings with him germs that definitely could be derived from the Black Plague.
Here’s a list of my top three OCD inducing, dry-heave making issues:
1) Spit up: I don’t know about you, but the precursor to vomit (spit up) is just as disgusting as puke itself. I cannot deal with it. Why does it happen every single time I forget to put a bib on him or a burp cloth on my shoulder? Why is it hot? (My microwave can’t even heat up a cup of coffee that fast, how did he get it to 287 degrees farenheight in 14 seconds? Worst case scenario, Jax spits up while we are all eating… once that happens any food in the vicinity is dead to me… and there is no amount of hunger that could repair the damage done.
2) Caca: Caca is different from poop. Poop is just that poop… it happens, its gross but you just deal. But caca is disgusting. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to smell it, I don’t even want to know it happened. Caca is the one where you know you are going to be sick when you hear the noises you child’s butt is making during the process. All I can think about is caca particles beong released into the atmosphere. I know they are there, you cant see them, but they are there waiting to penetrate everything you love… your clothes, your cup of water, even your pillow case… then it’s HELLO PINK EYE…
3) Floor Yuck: Floor yuck is another kind of invisible disgustingness that lurks around, well it lurks around the floor I guess. There is this repulsive cycle that I feel takes place in this world and it is far too often overlooked.
Now the variable here is floor yuck… you see floor yuck can be categorized into three main groups:
1) Caca Yuck: Anything poo related, dog poo, baby poo, diaper remnants, shoe prints that stepped in poo… or anything that could have come in contact with poo. There’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world to solve this problem.
2) Insect Yuck: There is nothing that makes me shiver more than bugs. I hate them, they are disgusting and I wish Noah never invited two of each on the arc. They are bringers of eternal disgustingness and literally carry every type of disease known to man. I want nothing to do with any of them.
3) Blood Yuck: Blood is right up there in the things that I wish didn’t exist. I know we need it to live… but couldn’t we have filled our veins with something useful, like maple syrup or a good IPA? I hate blood, the sight of it makes me want to pass out. The problem is that people bleed all the time, they bleed and let it drip, they leave a Hansel and Gretel bread crumb trail from their injury site to the bathroom where the Band-Aids are… then they wipe up the trail with a wet paper towel. I don’t care how strong the Brawny Man is… he aint cleaning up plasma and white blood cells. If blood touches the floor you might as well tear it up and burn it.
So you can see that I have slight issues with life sometimes. The thing is… Jax will inevitably make me want to vomit from time to time… weather it’s a diaper full of caca, spitting up or picking something up off the floor and shoving it into his mouth. I guess this blog is my way of admitting I may have a problem.