The Doctor’s Office Christmas Shop

So exactly a year to the day of not having any XMAS shopping done and here I sit again with so much crap to do (only I write this time from a chair in a walk in clinic waiting room since I still can’t shake this cough caused by my self-diagnosed Ebola issues). 

Last year I was panicking from inside a sardine packed Target store… Now I’m panicking inside a packed doctors office… Which has signs posted warning other humans of my contagiousness:     

  The dirty looks people are giving me as I cough up my insides resemble what a mall Santa might look like if I say on his lap and asked for a back rub. Shit is getting weird in here right now… I’m pretty sure someone just asked if the CDC is open on XMAS.  

As I sit here, I’m wondering why this doctors’ office can’t give out stickers that let others know I actually don’t have an infectious disease like CCMC used to do for me during my daily visits last year… “No ma’am I haven’t traveled outside the United States since yesterday afternoon.”   

Here’s the issue… Ebola or not… I need to get some damn shopping done… STAT!  Santa has a lot going on this year.  I can’t sit around and rely on him to fulfill everyone’s list this year.  I gotta get out there and get some things for people.  I wish there was a gift shop here so I could get the rest of my shopping done.  I mean everyone would probably love one of those hospital teddy bears and helium filled heart balloons right?    

 Since that’s not happening let’s all thank the the Christmas miracle of Amazon.com… Let’s just hope Santa doesn’t mind stopping in Hoboken (I think that’s where Amazin’s where house is located) for a last minute overnight delivery pickup.  
For a reminder at last years idiotic XMAS Eve debockle shopping experience click here:  https://newdadchronicles.wordpress.com/2014/12/24/december-24th-time-to-start-xmas-shopping/Dec 24th, 2015 XMAS Shopping

A Christmas Story in our Front Yard

IMG_2730Poor little guy! #ChristmasStory #Randy #ICantPutMyArmsDown #DaddysGonnaKillRalphy

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Christmas Story is still the most overexposed yet underrated movie of all time. Just a straight up holiday tradition in our family. Christmas Eve = A Christmas Story marathon.

I’ve heard people talk about how it’s so overexposed and overplayed that it has lost it’s shine. Yes Turner Television owns the rights to this movie and basically plays it from Thanksgiving to Christmas on repeat and yes it’s one of the most quoted movies of all time. But to hear people say they don’t enjoy it anymore… Well fine… Don’t watch it; that means more Bumpus Hounds for me!

The thing is if you watch the film for nostalgia, it’s great. If you watch it as a family tradition, it’s perfect. But if you’re like me then you watch it for the supporting cast who make the movie what it is.

The Old Man…. Just an angry dad. He’s pissed at work, he’s pissed at the furnace and has one of the greatest quotes of all time: “Frah-GEE-lee … must be Italian.” (He’s also a Packers fan and calls the Bears the Chipmunks of Chicago!)

Mom… Mom is just that mom. The quintessential loving and overprotecting mom. Ralph’s swears… She makes him eat soap, but feels so guilty she tastes it too. Ralphy gets into a fight and she hides the truth from the old man. Through and through this mom is creating some good old fashioned Momma’s boys! Her reaction to The Old Man every time he says something stupid reminds me if how Steph looks at me when I try to tell her I know how to fix something.

Randy… Poor kid. Left behind, left out and overlooked, but leaves us with such memorable scenes as the one above, the “show me how piggies eat”, and his amazing reaction to his brother in a pink bunny suit. (Who hasn’t laughed at their siblings misery before?).

Honorable Mention: Flick…
Set off the TRIPLE-DOG-DARE craze and possibly Influenced an entire generation of people who were scared to death of getting stuck to anything frozen!

Christmas Eve as a Family

A fun filled first Christmas Eve for Jackson… Spending it at Uncle Dusty and Auntie Tricia’s house with family was great!

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But we needed to get the little man home in time to get to bed before Santa came. We were home just in time to leave Santa a note:

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…Just as Santa (according to NORAD) was leaving Bermuda.

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That’s that… As we speak Santa is heading to Philadelphia… I need to get to sleep before he passes over us… Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
when all through our home
I searched for rhyming words
to complete this damn poem.

The table was set
With enough spots for the crew,
in hopes that the arguments
Would be quiet and few.

Jackson was stirring (not asleep) in his bed,
while mom and I faced the evening with dread:
There’s presents to wrap and the floor needs to be swept!
And now, thanks to stress, we have cried and we’ve wept.

For there’s only two hours
to get this all done,
Santa is coming
With gifts for our son.

Too late to go elsewhere, if we can’t finish up,
We’ll have to wake Jackson and both of the pups
When what from my worrying eyes should appear?
How about 50 dirty diapers, and a cry of fear!

Mom and I stared with looks of disbelief,
How did this happen.. Oh crap and good grief.
So right for the Clorox, and a bottle of bleach
Mom and I ran for cleaners in reach

“Now sweep it! Now mop it! You missed some right there!
Don’t smush it, don’t smash it, there’s some in your hair!
Use something stronger than water and soap
“Honey,” said hubby, “do you think I’m a dope?”

And then in a twinkling, I knew what to do.
I grabbed an old cell phone to help with the poo.
I called up old Santa and asked for some help
He answered with quickness and let out a yelp.

We spoke no more words, but he was there in a flash,
Right down the chimney he was burned by some ash.
But he was determined to make this okay
Because he loved Jackson, and called Stephanie his bae

Then as if it were magic the diapers were gone and the house was all clean.
A long day ahead I was in need of caffeine.
He laughed as he told us to go off to bed
He had toys to leave and nothing left for us to dread.

So I said to my wife just before I passed out,
“This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we’ll wake, and Jax won’t know a thing,
He have so many toys he’ll feel like a king

We did it! We did it! The house is all neat.
Santa had better remembered to wipe his damn feet!”

Finally off to dreamland the both of us dosed.
Until I heard Santa’s voice I supposed.
You’re house is all clean and the presents are there.
But you left me no cookies and your cupboards are bare!

Then I heard him exclaim as he flew from my sight…
Merry Christmas new parents, you’re doing all right!

December 24th: Time to Start Xmas Shopping

Anyone who believes that men are equal to women have clearly never seen a man wrap a Christmas present!

So it’s Christmas Eve… Time to start shopping for everyone’s gifts. Thank The Lord that Santa gets all of Jackson’s gifts because he wanted nothing to do with picking out anything.

Two minutes in:

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Five minutes later:

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Guess I’ll have to go at this alone.

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Santa vs He Who Must Not Be Named

Christmas Eve day and my kid is sick. I’m quite sure this is the real Fragola Family Christmas tradition. Without a doubt, every single Christmas I was sick.

*There was the year I was so out of it that I opened presents from my deathbed (the couch) while Uncle Vinny and Auntie Tricia handed me presents.
*There was the year I had strep throat and a fever during Christmas Eve mass.
*Of course there was the year Santa brought me the sony home stereo with dual tape decks and I was too sick to weak to walk down to the basement to see it all set up.
*And who could forget the year I spent the majority of Christmas puking and had a handful of Imodium as my Xmas dinner.

I’ll say this though, when it comes to being sick I’m a big baby… Stuffy nose? I’m dying. Upset stomach? I have the plague. Fever and a cough? Just fill out my death certificate now.

But Jax… This kid is a trooper. He sounds like Voldemort with all his wheezing… But he’s not letting anything stand in his way of his first Christmas. Stay strong little man… Stay strong!