I hear stepping on a Lego piece talked about as the most painful and terrible experience of someone’s life. I’ve done it, it hurts, it really does. But there is not a person in the world who will tell you that stepping on a Lego is worse than stepping on a magnetic letter.
The special thing about these magnetic letters is that they are supposed to be magnetic right? Like you know Legos are always camouflaged in the carpet or something. They can’t be that big of a surprise… But the damn letters are everywhere but the fridge… Everywhere.
Listen I know from experience how inpossible it is to comprehend what it feels like for the first few seconds you step on a Lego. Your brain literally stops working from the confusion of trying to compute what is causing so much pain. But these letters are literally like tiny razor blades. The feeling of agony and pure hatred of life that courses through your veins when a “purple H” punctures your skin is indescribably intense. The words that come out of your mouth are unline anything you’ve heard yourself say before… and the string of curses that pour out can only be described as similar to sounding like “The Old Man” from A Christmas Story.
As you begin to (in slow motion it may seem) try to quickly lift your leg up and away from the pain, only to realize that you have a consonant sticking out your foot, your lose your balance because those letters are like ice skates on a tile floor.
And the thing is… They are like cockroaches… Where there is one there are more… Many more… And you wind up walking down the hall like you’re in a “hot coal walking” challenge on Fear Factor.
You’ll carry the scars with you for life. Not only from the multitude of stitches that you’ll require during parenthood, but emotional scars too… Emotional scars from realizing that your son WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME AGAIN because he just heard you scream like a girl from the 90s who got to see N’SYNC on TRL.
A Christmas Story: Furnace Fight Scene