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5.12.14- Things That Did Not Happen Last Night

-I didn’t forget to put the toilet seat down
-Buster didn’t drink said toilet water
-I didn’t watch as you stuck your foot in your poopy diaper
-I didn’t laugh after you stuck said foot in your poopy diaper
-I didn’t get peed on
-I didn’t taste breast milk
-I didn’t “by accident” wipe your butt with the completely untrue onesie that says “dad may know a lot, but mom knows everything”
-I didn’t consider using breast milk in my coffee when I realized we had no regular milk left

Remember Jax… None of these happened!

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5.11.14. – Mother’s Day

momday

Happy mother’s day to the woman who put up w my crap for the beginning years of my life and now to the one who has to put up w the remaining years.

Jackson this has been a great day for me as a new dad. Watching you and mom on her 1st mom’s day has been an amazing thing. I loved watching you suck down that bottle as mom sucked down an Angry Orchard. I’m not sure who enjoyed their beverage more. But one thing is for sure… This is a mother’s day for the ages!

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5.10.14. – Cuzzy Love

ella

Exciting day today. After a letting it all hang out at your photo shoot this AM you met your cousin Moose (Ella Bella).

it was “cuzzy luv” at first sight (as your
Mom and her miniature BFF Lindsey call it).

Jax, you need to embrace the fact that every friend and cousin you have is female and do your best to stay close with them throughout life. Not because blood is thicker than water or bc family is forever or any of that crap… but bc being close with female family and friends guarantee you infinite access to their beautiful lady friends throughout life.

Keep up the good work you little stud.

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5.10.14. – Newborn Photos

hp naut

So newborn photos happened today. These 2 I kinda just stole w my iPhone. The professional ones will be posted soon.

Yes I made you dress as Harry Potter. Yes I asked them to photo shop a lighten bolt scar on your forehead.

God bless these photographers. They work directly in the line of fire… Naked baby aiming his little firehose in every direction while the 2 chicks are maneuvering cautiously out of his aim… Impressive.

However some props were lost in the line of duty. 2 blankets, a boppy, a basket and at least 1 backdrop. Not to mention a healthy puke on moms shirt, boots and pants. I also enjoyed watching the photographers faces as he constantly laid out spread eagle for the world to see. He’s definitely his father’s son!

Shoot went well over all besides the fact that I got my balls busted for being a Harry Potter fan!

You can’t tell me getting your acceptance letter to Hogwarts wouldn’t be life changing!!!!!

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5.9.14. – Hello Hospital

Parents worst night mare: the 1st hospital visit. Although you are your fathers son, so it shouldn’t be surprising as I’ve frequented every hospital and ER up and down the East Coast.

Out of all the possible ailments that could befall a newborn thank god it’s only an oozy belly button that has brought us here. But either way this sux.

General Food for Thought:

Don’t use the restroom in the patients waiting area.  Make the walk around the nurses station over to the elevators and next to the vending machine to handle business.  It’s for the best.

Handwashing can never be overrated. Ever!!

If you are sick, have sick children or are just getting over being sick, DO NOT COME OR BRING THEM INTO THE HEALTHY WAITING ROOM.  You and they are still petri dishes of disease and my kid does not want to meet you or shake your germ filled hand.

Every hospital should be outfitted with a Dunkin Donuts. There is one on every other street in America, there should be one in the place where coffee is needed most.

No matter how quiet the tv volume is in the waiting room, Dora the Explorer’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.

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5.8.14. – NFL Draft

draft

Our first NFL Draft together.

My #1 draft pick.

So Jax and I are spending our first draft day together as GB Packers owners. This is a giant responsibility that only a select number of humans can say they have participated in. You see, most dads spend the first few days w their child reading stories and singing stupid nursery rhymes. But Jax and I have been pouring over stats and video tape now for about 10 days.
Btwn teaching this kid about being a quality NFL owner, I also plan on teaching him how to dress phenomenally and be pretty much awesome at everything like his dad!

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5.8.14. – The Beastie Boys Help with Sleep

Bouncer? Nope!
Jumper? Nope!
Swing? Nope
Couch? Nope
Walk? Car seat, boppy, bassinet, tummy, rock and play… N.O.P.E.

“We got a safe in the trunk with money in a stack
“With dice in the front and Brooklyn’s in the back.
No sleep till –
No sleep till Brooklyn ! No sleep till Brooklyn !”

Maybe the Beastie Boys were new parents and they were leaving like a secret code for all other newborn parents? You know like…
If your kid won’t sleep, dont worry, we got you… Pack up your hooptie with a safe and a fat stack (don’t forget to pack some dice) and head off to Brooklyn. There has gotta be something in these lyrics. Bc literally I’m outta options! I really hope MCA was a board certified baby sleep consultant.

BROOKLYN be on the look out for a black 4- door Honda Accord w a Harry Potter themed sticker on it. I’m on my way w a hysterical baby… And you’re my last hope! No sleep till Brooklyn !