Got home from work, saw this on the door so I went and sat on the front porch for 45 minutes.
At this point sleep is like the Holy Grail in this house. Indiana Jones would struggle to find any.
The first rule of Sleep Club – RESPECT THE SLEEP.
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5.15.14. – Call Me Costanza
n. kuh-stan-zuh bed:
A makeshift bed made under one’s office desk, Often surreptitiously used for secret sleep during work. Named for the episode of Seinfeld where George slept at work under his desk.
“You wanna head home for some shut-eye before the meeting today?”
“No, i’ve got a Costanza Bed.”
5.15.14 – Manzier
Stef’s suggestion on how to get Jax to not cry when I’m holding him: “You should get one of those silicone manzier things that is like a boob so you can breast feed him.”
“I’ve got nipples Focker, can you milk me?”
5.14.14. – Home Alone
So maybe this was a mistake… Are first time dads supposed to be left home alone w their newborn w out supervision? Isn’t their some sort of trial period or mandated responsible adult who is supposed to over see this whole process?
I mean how is it possible to maintain the level of normalcy that I’m accustomed to in this house with this little dude pooping like he ate 15 chipotle burritos for lunch?
I feel like I brought home a puppy for the first time… How do you house train it? Am I supposed to give him a treat when he pees? I’ve been through 7 diapers since she left. And I thought they weren’t supposed to smell yet… What a crock of shit (pun intended). How is this possible? How have I been entrusted with this duty with out a coach or something?????
I mean I got more instructions to put together his stroller…
Is It to early to see if he’s good at Madden?
5.14.14. – Texts
Our conversations have changed drastically since this kid came.
5.13.14 – Sleep Counts
Everything was set up perfectly for a good workout this afternoon… Mom takes a ride to Pops house to visit for dinner. Which leaves me time to get to the gym and get in a chest and tris workout.
I got as far as the parking lot. Passed out in the driver’a seat. Woke up, drove home, ate dinner.
Don’t judge
5.13.14 – FaceTime Fail
First face time w the little nugget and the kid is passed out. Explain to me how you can sleep through the dogs going all Cujo on the mailman, mom’s FaceTime ringing and however many hundreds of soliciting phone calls that come through all day… Yet you wake up if I blink at at 1:30 AM?
5.13.14 – Be You
Someone found his thumb!!!! Either that or he’s about to give me the finger I’m not really sure.
For everyone who’s about to give me their “holier than thou” speech about thumb sucking: #1 he doesn’t, I just thought this picture was cute as hell. #2 read the research, thumb sucking IS NOT bad for infants and even some toddlers, #3 I don’t care that your kid didn’t suck their thumb, could read and multiple double digit numbers at three months of age… Let my kid do him!
5.12.14 – First Day Back
12 Daddy’s 1st day back to work. No one is happy about this development.
5.12.14- Things That Did Not Happen Last Night
-I didn’t forget to put the toilet seat down
-Buster didn’t drink said toilet water
-I didn’t watch as you stuck your foot in your poopy diaper
-I didn’t laugh after you stuck said foot in your poopy diaper
-I didn’t get peed on
-I didn’t taste breast milk
-I didn’t “by accident” wipe your butt with the completely untrue onesie that says “dad may know a lot, but mom knows everything”
-I didn’t consider using breast milk in my coffee when I realized we had no regular milk left
Remember Jax… None of these happened!
Sorry Sons: Chronicles of a New Dad 