Category Archives: Uncategorized

by - 0 comments

He Got Game (Jax’ 1st Steps)

I’m not sure where I want to go with this one.  I could go a few ways… I could talk about how proud i am of my son for taking his first steps… I could talk about how sad I am that I wasnt there… or I could talk about how demanding of a walking coach Uncle Dustin is. Any of the three would accurately describe the video above.  Any of the three would be acceptable.  But if you have been reading this blog for any amount of time you know for a fact I am about to go on a tangent about my damn brother-in-law being a self-serving  communist, militant leader.

Yes I know Jax walked; yes I know that is a gigantic accomplishment. (Also means our lives as we know it are over)… But come on… Walking?  I mean how big of a deal is that?  I walk everyday.  I can walk while I’m half asleep from my bed to the bathroom and back with at least 65% accuracy.  I mean come on everyone walks… Get over it.  (Or cry a little everytime you watch the video like I do).

I’m more concerned right now at the fact that my brother-in-law has turned from a kind hearted uncle into a vicious human being, more concerned with outcomes than with the feelings and well being of his nephew.  I mean did you watch this video? Did you see the pressure he put on my son to do something he was clearly nervous about.  Ridiculous. Completely unnecessary.  Way to demanding.

He Got Game was clearly Dustin’s favorite movie.  He modeled himself after Jesus Shuttlesworth’s dad… Dustin is Denzel, Denzel is Dustin.  All the video above is missing is Uncle Dusty making Jax run suicides in the dark.

Jackson might as well be chasing a chicken in a fenced in parking lot instead of slowly learning how to walk.  Walking you say!?!!  He should be eating lightening and crapping thunder by now.

I guess we should be thankful he is growing up slowly but surely and just sit back and enjoy the process… As long as Uncle Dustin lets us!!!

Here is the whole video of his first steps:

by - 0 comments

A Day at the Zoo

10494662_10207090458126246_981066999563875380_n

Polar bears look cute as hell from 200 yards away!

It is amazing to think Jackson is walking on the same walkways and seeing some of the same animals I saw when I was a little boy.  The Bronx Zoo was always such a place of wonder for me and my family.  I know we were really excited to introduce Jax to such a magnificent place.  (Add in that Jax hero Peppa Pig was going to be making an exclusive appearance as part of the reopening of The Bronx Zoo Chldren’s Zoo and you have the event of the lifetime.)

The experience was nothing short of epic… the car ride itself was an adventure for the ages, including making two pit stops within ten minutes of leaving the house… Our third stop a half an hour later resulted in Jax’ bottle spilling four out of the seven ounces of milk it contained… already off to a successful start!

cut

At least we had an interesting time once we got there.  Tailgating at the zoo?

The trip consisted of walking 400 miles… trying to read a map (the key word being “TRYING”), it also consisted of realizing that this is exactly how I want to spend my Saturdays… with my family.

cut2

Overall we were able to visit so many different exhibits and really experience so many different things.  Jax was interested in the different animals, he loved the rhinoceros (or the rhinosaurus, the dinosaur, as Steph thought it was called).  He wanted to jump in and crawl around with the prairie dogs, he wanted to pet a polar bear and he most definitely wanted to fight a llama.

Here’s  where things got sketchy.  Here is where mom and dad and auntie about lost their minds.

Have you ever wondered what it looks like when an alpaca comes at you 100 MPH?  Well wonder no more… call that #ClickBait… call it creative marketing… call it whatever you want… but either way… i just hooked you.  I just did you a favor.  I absolutely got your juices flowing.  Now you know how Jax felt.

The adrenaline brought on by a wild animal who is about to swallow you whole will allow you to run a marathon or lift a car off of a pinned down puppy.  He was in panic mode.  Needless to say he was not a fan of this guy:

Baby Vs. Llama

Baby Vs. Llama

Jax learned a lot during this trip to the zoo.  The most important… you can’t domesticate an undomesticated monster like a llama. I know we were in the children’s zoo and this was the part of the zoo where touching the animals was encouraged… but I’m pretty sure there’s signs every five feet at every zoo that warn you about these dangerous creatures you are about to interact with.  Now Jax knows why.

Llamas don’t like when people try to get all up in their business.  They probably don’t like being caged up and used for people’s amusement.  They want to be out in the wild doing llama things… hooking up with llama chicks and going to llama parties.  Instead they sit in captivity all day long while moms and dads force their kids to smile and pet their noses and feed them that crappy .25 cent food from the gumball machine thing.  Seeing a damn camera being whipped out only reminds them that they are just caged up and stuck forever.

This is how the zoo ended… with mommy and auntie screaming.

“Annnnnd that’s the zoo, kids.  Let’s go home because mom and Auntie Tricia need a change of underwear.”

by - 0 comments

Dinner Time

 

Brothers bonding over the dinner table

 
So my son is apparently now into eating dog food? How? Why? I don’t even eat candy… and my kid wants to eat doggie kibble… Every time I think he is turning into a little mini me he goes and does something like this.

I don’t know… maybe I’m missing something? I mean dogs are the most amazing creatures on planet Earth. They basically dedicate their lives to make our lives better. Dogs were put on this planet to make us happy… You could leave the house for two minutes to get the mail and they literally great you like you’ve just gotten released from a 12 year prison sentence. Man’s best friend indeed.  

Maybe it’s the food? Maybe have Jax chow down on some organic chicken, salmon and sweet potato doggie pellets isn’t such a bad thing?  

PS: We’ve established that dogs were created to simply bring joy to humans… Meanwhile, cats were created to be smug assholes.

by - 0 comments

Alone Time

Big time stuntin’ tonight. Every new dad’s dream… Home alone… Got the house to myself… So much to do… So many activities… So little time. Yea, in some sort if alternate universe maybe.

Girls think we have this elaborate plan when they go out… Like there is some adventure we’ve been saving for just the right time. “She’s gone and taking the kid with her? Crap call Ian Ziering we’re going shark hunting!”

If you could only see what happens when you girls go out. We pretend were upset. It’s an act. I mean we miss you, and obviously we miss our kid! But this is the one time we are home and can shut off our brains. “Ohhh no she’s gone!?!??? She’s gone, what am I gonna do!??? What am I gonna do”.

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do… Nothing! No talking, no questions… Just quiet. No fun stuff happens when you’re gone.

That’s the difference between girls and guys. Guys want nothing to do with planning events or thinking of things to do. That’s why when you go out we can relax. Girls just think differently. They plan things out. They have multi-step directions and procedures to enjoy their girl time or alone time. We don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone we are just jerks.

Girls: “Hey guess what… Tomorrow is Sarah’s birthday and the guys are out of town… We should totally surprise her with cupcakes and dinner and then take her out to the club.”

Guys: “It was Derek’s birthday yesterday… We punched him in the nuts and set his car on fire. He was so surprised.”

No plans, no thinking things through. Just act. That’s what tonight was. Nothing huge… Nothing exciting… just a simple, quiet and relaxing evening.

by - 0 comments

#DadLife

I’d like to think I’ve done some cool things in my life… I’ve been named teacher of the year, hurdled for a D1 college Track and Field team on an athletic scholarship, competed in some of the most famous stadiums in the US against Olympians, earned two masters degrees, rode a motorcycle, walked on Lambeau Field, driven a Ferarri… etc, etc, etc.  

 Yet, all of those things are just another page in my brag book compared to tucking my son in while he is asleep in his crib.  A simple action, one in which he had no idea I was even doing (not that he would probably care even if he did know… I mean he’s one… he’ll sleep on cement with a piece of newspaper over him if we let him), but that simple action brings such peace after a long day.  

I’m not sure when or how I turned into a dad?  It definitely doesn’t happen when your child is born… You spend those first few days pretty much in panic mode.  It’s more survival than it is being a dad.  I don’t think it’s even in the first month, because that is more fight or flight mode than it is being a dad.

Somewhere in there though, I’ve found myself doing more dad things.  Licking my finger to wipe his chin, making sure behind his eats are clean and now this “tucking him in” thing… all dad stuff. I’m not saying I haven’t snuck in his room when he’s sleeping to check on him before tonight.  This is more of a general statement about being a dad.  Just one of those moments that makes being a dad so enjoyable.  

Night, night buddy!  

     

 
Busy day at Cameron’s 2nd birthday party today… Jax pet a dolphin Steve!  (Multiplicity reference… very underated movie.  Great flick!!!).  For historical record keeping purposes, he actually pet a bearded dragon named Sinatra… not a dolphin. 

  

by - 0 comments

Other People’s Poo

pooper_patrol_225_button

You know how before you become a parent everything that comes out of a baby is disguising and gross… well that doesn’t change much when you do become a parent.  Your own kids bodily fluids become a little more tolerable because, well really you don’t have much of a choice. I never thought i’d be so nonchalant about having been pooped on or having to wipe someone else s butt, but apparently there is an innate ability to do so when you become a parent.

However, and that is a HUGE HOWEVER… that does not and will not change your ability to withstand other people’s poo.  I know I’ve written about this before: (https://newdadchronicles.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/ocd-and-yuck/), but this morning took on a whole new meaning of grossness.

This morning I watched no less then three people step in human poo.  Where did the poo come from? When did it get there?  No one actually knows… Or at least they aren’t willing to admit it.  Poop is funny to me… Poop is always funny to most people, but poop is also always gross.

There will never be a time when someone who steps in poop is not funny. Yea it probably sucks a little bit for the people who need to clean that up, but it’s funny for the rest of us. Knowing that somewhere out there there’s someone dropping a log and then running away giddy as can be is super funny. We may not know who it was… We don’t even know his real name, but for the purpose of this story we will just refer to him as the  “Brown Bomber.”

I’m not going to sit and say that all of a sudden I’m able to face poop head on; I still want nothing to do with it.   There is still a feeling of (even if its just for a minute) where you wish you didn’t have to cleanup someone else’s poop… especially as I catch my son’s eye and he gives me that look of, “Yup,  I just pooed all over the place…  What are you gonna do about it?  Nothing, except clean it up.  Because I own you now.” That’s the reason why your own kid’s poop is something you have to take care of.  It’s not an option it’s just something you have to do.

…other people’s poo… ehhhhh… can’t do it…

Shout out the SW who took one for the team and stepped all in the poo pile first!

by - 0 comments

Pure Jealousy 

So this is what the world has become?  Have we permenantly lowered the bar for celebrating our babies in terms of accomplishments?  Every other week I’m on here bragging about how my little man accomplished another amazing feat… Maybe he blinked twice or ate a piece of toast.  I mean is this world we want to raise our kids in?  Where everyone gets a trophy and we’re all are winners!??? Where have I gone wrong?

Jackson stumbling around looking like an old man with a walker and everyone is losing their damn minds over it? I’m to the point where I feel like a baby is the best job on the planet.  Anything they do is billed as the next “moon landing”. Wouldn’t it be nice to get the same treatment as an adult? Wake up and brush your teeth- round of applause… Pour milk in cereal without any spills- freaking standing ovation… Make it to work without a ticket for being on your cell phone (which is actually harder than it seems)- applause, applause, applause.

That’s why being a grown up sucks! You don’t get a trophy every time you fart and cough.  You do what you do because it’s expected.  I’m going on strike until I get an award for everything I do even somewhat successfully.  Don’t bother me until my one year old and I get equal treatment.

IMG_4419

Hey Jax, Neil didn’t need a walker to take his first steps.

 

PS………………

……………..

…………

…..

… I’m so proud of him!!! He’s so close to walking!! 🏃👍

by - 0 comments

The Dad Bod

This whole dad thing has been quite the adventure.  Everything from being responsible for another human being to learning how to work a baby bjourn has been a new and exciting experience. I love being a dad… But this whole internet trending of the so called “DadBod” is getting rediculous.  

The DadBod… The Dad Bod…. The Dad… Bod.  Really?  Seriously?  This is a thing now?  I’ve been working out for years, played college sports and now the “in thing” is eating pizza and skipping the gym for happy hour?  I call BS! 

I just don’t get it.  I don’t think (the dad bod) is something women think is good looking. I don’t think it’s something guys think is good looking. I think it’s something that a bunch of lonely dudes who eat pizza and haven’t seen the inside of a gym since they they watched Rocky V (which by the way was a terrible freaking movie, almost a franchise ruiner).  

Incase you didn’t know- I’m a dad.  I don’t have time for the gym… I barely have time to brush my damn teeth or go to the bathroom, most days, I usually only have time to pick one of those two!  But I make time for the gym a few days a week.  I mean I’m no longer an Olympic hurdler… I no longer eat grilled chicken and steamed vegetables for every meal.  But I’m not a “DadBod” kinda guy.  

 

Sure we both enjoy a good nap, but that’s only after a decent workout.

 

The DadBod is so much more than a stomach. Girls say they want a guy who can have some fun and doesn’t need to live in the gym right?  But are they ready for what comes with the DadBod… The DadBod is not just a lifestyle it’s a state of mind a religion if you don’t mind me saying.  You know… Just a guy laying around on the couch all weekend eating chips and picking lint out of their belly button… Watching Netflix in his boxers and an old Nirvana t-shirt… That’s the DadBod.  

You’re telling me that’s what women want? Get outta here.  I’m happy somewhere in the middle of the DadBod and the Calvin Klein model in tighty-whities who stares and judges me from the side of a bus ad.