There are times where I get confused about what this blog is or has become… I feel like its part stand-up comedy, part the beginning-stages as to why my son will need therapy when he is an adult, or maybe just part therapy for me… I don’t really know if I have an answer for that, at least not right now… not at this particular instant as I write.
I do know that I try to read other blogs out there and notice that other people are out there going through the same things I am… whether it’s a question about growth and development or concerns regarding my parenting ability… or even the more philosophical question of… WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING?!!! I’ll read about the problems of other people and I think to myself, “wow… that’s tough, and I think I have problems?!!!” But the thing is… why do my problems have to be less than someone else’s to be important?
I take time every day to make sure I am doing EVERYTHING I can to help support the social/emotional and academic growth of the students in my school. I see the barriers and the hurdles that they have to get over in various degrees. I think about how would I feel if this little person was Jackson… how would he handle it, how would I handle it?
I get very little insight into what he knows about what is going on around him. How aware or intuitive is he about what I might be going through or even what he is going through? Is it OK for him to see me upset… Does he understand (I know understand is not the right word) about death and loss? What does he think when mom and dad are arguing, or Buster and Max are getting yelled at for eating a bowl of string beans off the kitchen table?
I also wonder about when we leave him for the day or even for a little while… if I am walking out the door to head to work or the gym does he think I am never coming back? But how do I fix something like that? I mean one day we all leave and don’t come back. Does that mean we care less about our loved ones… we know the answer is unequivocally NO…but how do you convey that to a 19 month old?
I don’t think I’ll ever have the answer to any of life’s philosophical questions… I can barely answer questions about how my day has been… I guess the trick is to find something to distract you from trying to figure out the things you cannot control, or the things you cannot possibly have the answer to… whether it is your child, or the one you love, or just the person you love being around.
Finding something that brings you joy is not wasted time. It’s needed time.
And for a moment, I forget.