Your Move Ebola

I’ve about had it with this Ebola nonsense.  It used to be having a baby, the only thing you had to worry about was croup or maybe diaper rash.  Now the Rapture has come and is about to wipe out the planet in the name of Ebola.  People are just walking around passing germs around like they’re freaking tic-tacs.  No one knows what’s going on, governments holding secret press conferences, nurses catching it from patients, people being scanned at the airport… this is too much.

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The best part is, we are totally prepared to handle this thing if it spreads, right.  WRONG: The map shows the hospitals in the US that have Bio Containment Units.  There’s like four… FOUR!!!  Are you kidding me?  There are 11,910 Starbucks in the United States… but we only have four Bio Containment Units?  Priorities people!  Anyone with Ebola is getting shipped out to one of these hospital units… once the ten beds are full, then what?  Can we send them into outer space?  Send them to the International Space Station.  I bet zero gravity will help contain the spread of Ebola.

I’m not taking any chances here, no grocery store, no gas stations, I’m not even welcoming house guests anymore.  That’s it… Our doors (and windows) are closed.  Nobody in and nobody out.  Jackson is being raised in a bubble.

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Hey Ebola, Have fun running rampant across the amber waves of grain, purple mountain majesties and above the fruited plains, because you aint getting to us.  I’m not going to sit here and pretend like this is the Bird Flu, H1N1 or Y2K, which clearly were scams… this is real and you are not going to find us bleeding from our ears or pooping out our kidneys.  Your move Ebola.

Busy Weekend

The past few days in the life of “Chronicles of a New Dad” have been a whirlwind of events, emotions and shenanigans.  Let’s recap our holiday weekend:

Visit to Uncle Eli’s house… where there seemed to be so much adult fun babies and toddlers everywhere.  Oh, how our lives have changed.

July 4th boating trip… apparently the one size fits all tag on the infant life-vest was a little exaggerated, It looked more like one of those blow up sumo suits on Jax than a life vest.

Back to CCMC for more poo tests… the positive: this type of allergy is common and most children outgrown it by one… the negative: we need to watch for bright red blood in the diapers.

Dad set fire to the kitchen… in an attempt to get dinner ready, your good ole New Dad left the toast in the toaster oven about 45 minutes too long.  Flames ensued… screams followed!

Where in the parenting handbook do they show you how to properly do all this stuff… I don’t need to know how to mix formula, it says it on the can, all the cute little pictures and quotes they put in the parent guide they send you home from in the hospital took up all the room for the important information like… umm… I don’t know… how to effectively maneuver around toys, tummy time mats, a boppy, other children, bottles and two dogs while attempting to keep the rhythm when rocking the little one to sleep.

Or how about the fact that the parent guide tells you not to leave your child unattended in the bath when they are an infant?  REALLY?  Do some people need to know that?  How about a chapter on POOP and what to look for?  I would have been happy with a few paragraphs on how to react when the GI doctor tells you to “Be on the lookout for BLOODY poop!”  Are there people out there who don’t think red poop is something worth reporting?   

PS:  Working fire alarms only count as working fire alarms, if they work when there is an actual fire.

NOTE TO SELF: Replace fire alarms tonight.

5.9.14. – Hello Hospital

Parents worst night mare: the 1st hospital visit. Although you are your fathers son, so it shouldn’t be surprising as I’ve frequented every hospital and ER up and down the East Coast.

Out of all the possible ailments that could befall a newborn thank god it’s only an oozy belly button that has brought us here. But either way this sux.

General Food for Thought:

Don’t use the restroom in the patients waiting area.  Make the walk around the nurses station over to the elevators and next to the vending machine to handle business.  It’s for the best.

Handwashing can never be overrated. Ever!!

If you are sick, have sick children or are just getting over being sick, DO NOT COME OR BRING THEM INTO THE HEALTHY WAITING ROOM.  You and they are still petri dishes of disease and my kid does not want to meet you or shake your germ filled hand.

Every hospital should be outfitted with a Dunkin Donuts. There is one on every other street in America, there should be one in the place where coffee is needed most.

No matter how quiet the tv volume is in the waiting room, Dora the Explorer’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.