Instantaneously I realized I am no longer the best looking guy on earth.
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4.28.14 – 2:00AM: Oil Spill
So your 1st poo lived up to its hype. I can still hear Zach Morris crying for his pet duck.
As I type this I realize you probably don’t get the SBTB reference (and by SBTB I mean original, none of this College Years crap), and that makes me sad. We have a lot of catching up to do when you get home.
Proud Papa
You know how everyone says when you first hold your baby you feel this overwhelming sense of love and pride… Well that is amazing and I felt it when I held you little man…
But what is often over looked is the immediate feeling that comes next… “Shit please don’t drop it, please don’t drop it!!”
Ironically Jax… That’s the same feeling every Boston Red Sox fan has when ever there is a ground ball hit to first base!
4.27.14 – 5:18 PM: You are here!! Jackson Carmine.
The nurses gaze in wonder as you were presented to the world. I remind them It’s part of the royal blessing and presentation ceremony. For all to see, celebrate and finally bow down to, as the infant child is their future king.
It is unknown whether this presentation is done with every royal child born, or just the first born who is the likeliest to be born to an idiot dad.
4.27.14 – Oops
Sorry kid, not sure if you felt that but I went to grab my Snapple and dropped your mom’s leg. I guess epidurals make you lose feeling below your waist.
But come on,
It was a raspberry iced tea! You’ll soon learn that a Snapple raspberry ice tea pairs nicely with any meal… including hospital saltines.
4.27.14 – Labor Selfie
Wifey’s in labor… But 1st let me take a selfie!!
4.27.14. – 4:00 PM: IT’S GO TIME
So apparently it’s not acceptable to sit in the reclining chair and drink a beer while your wife is having contractions and getting ready to push.
Who knew!?
(see large marge reference from earlier)
4.27.14 – 10:00 AM
Ok this is not going to go well. Waiting for an epidural, but the 1 person who the hospital employs, (which btw treats 40 billion people a year) is busy… You don’t say!!!??! 😷🔫
4.27.14 – Lamaze is a Lie
According to Lamaze International, the goal of Lamaze classes is to “increase women’s confidence in their ability to give birth.” Toward that end, women learn a variety of simple coping strategies, of which breathing is only one. The classes aim to help women “learn how to respond to pain in ways that both facilitate labor and increase comfort.”
What they don’t teach you is how to respond when your wife’s eyes turn red and pop out of her head Large Marge style, as she screams, “I AM BREATHING!!!! WHHHAT THE F$&@ DO YOU THINK THIS IS CALLED!???”
4.27.14 – Ive never been early for anything!
4:45 AM
Wifey: “wake up. I’m in so much pain! I think I’m in labor.”
Answer option #1- Me (future loving father): OK, I’ll grab the bag and get the car.
Answer option #2- Me (12 adult beverages from the night before): “go back to bed, you’re not in labor it’s freaking not even 5!”
For future reference option #1 would have been the better choice.
Sorry Sons: Chronicles of a New Dad 