The last two days were tough on our family. We lost the oldest and wisest woman that we all know. We sat at her wake quietly while some people wept and other laughed about the funny things that had happened to them since the last time they say each other. Funny how funerals bring families together at the saddest time of their lives. I know Grandma Candy wouldn’t be excited if she knew everyone gather in a room and stared at her after she passed. She was a proud women. A fashion icon of her time. She was a seamstress for the Duchess of York and she always looked like a million bucks.
But here’s the thing… Funerals aren’t about you because you’ no longer have an opinion. Funerals are about what everyone else wants. Funerals aren’t so much about remembering the one who’s passed as it is for us living friends and family to say goodbye. There’s not much in life I have control over anymore. And I guess when my time comes I won’t have any control then either.
At least for now however, I have some control over what I can and can’t allow my son to experience. And a funeral is one of those things I’m just not ready to have him take part in. But it’s not why you think… It’s not really for him. It’s more for me. Remember the above statement about funerals being a somewhat selfish experience… That’s what I mean.
Jax is two… I want to be able to say my goodbyes to my grandma with out having to entertain him. Although he will a few meaningful memories with her, there is just no reason for a two year old to be paraded around in a funeral home and at a cemetery. I just don’t want to have to play hide and seek behind a headstone.
I want to sit quietly in the back of the room and think in peace. That’s what a funeral is for me. Time to reflect on your relationship with the person who has passed on and also about my life. Is my life where I thought it would be at this moment and what is it going to look like moving forward.
I guess I’m a selfish dad sometimes. But here, after saying goodbye to my grandma for the last time… I’m happy I was selfish.