That Damn Elf on a Shelf

I guess it’s time this Elf on a Shelf thing happens. He’s here… And I can’t say anything to change that. Santa has a lot going on. I know that. You know that… we all know that. So of course he has little helpers everywhere and this house is no different.

Elfie is here to check things out. He’s just going to be a silent observer of sorts as Santa described. Bottom line… when Santa asks you for a favor… well, he’s not the type of person you can deny.


When your kid won’t eat breakfast… but your elf will. #Christmas2017 #Elfie


Great way to motivate your kid to start piano lessons. (PS Elfie is no Beethoven). #Christmas2017 #Elfie #PianoLessons #NiceHairJax


This has been the most elaborate Elfie appearance so far and will probably be the most elaborate one of the season…

PS: Is this a Flour Angel or crime scene body outline?


I’ve resorted to this. #Elfie #Christmas2017


And this effectively ended Elfie’s life… you don’t sit near, let alone in, Buster and Max’s food bowl and expect to live to tell the story. Thanks for a fun run Elfie… sorry your hat and leg were gnawed off.

I’m not sure how or why Elfie makes such a difference in some households… maybe it’s because here we don’t spend six hours suspending him and props from the ceiling with elaborate decorations… but our kid could care less about this thing, who he reports to and what the repercussions may be from misbehaving.

Case in point… RULE NUMBER ONE of fight club… don’t talk about fight club… RULE NUMBER ONE of Elf on a Shelf… don’t touch the Elf on a Shelf. To Jax this means… literally not only touch the Elf, but take him and body slam him repeatedly and then launch him into orbit. We’re screwed with this kid… Santa I hope you packed enough coal.

Consonants Cause Pain


Seems innocent enough…


What he sees…


What I see…

I hear stepping on a Lego piece talked about as the most painful and terrible experience of someone’s life. I’ve done it, it hurts, it really does.  But there is not a person in the world who will tell you that stepping on a Lego is worse than stepping on a magnetic letter.

The special thing about these magnetic letters is that they are supposed to be magnetic right? Like you know Legos are always camouflaged in the carpet or something.  They can’t be that big of a surprise… But the damn letters are everywhere but the fridge… Everywhere.

Listen I know from experience how inpossible it is to comprehend what it feels like for the first few seconds you step on a Lego.  Your brain literally stops working from the confusion of trying to compute what is causing so much pain. But these letters are literally like tiny razor blades.  The feeling of agony and pure hatred of life that courses through your veins when a “purple H” punctures your skin is indescribably intense.  The words that come out of your mouth are unline anything you’ve heard yourself say before… and the string of curses that pour out can only be described as similar to sounding like “The Old Man” from A Christmas Story.

As you begin to (in slow motion it may seem) try to quickly lift your leg up and away from the pain, only to realize that you have a consonant sticking out your foot, your lose your balance because those letters are like ice skates on a tile floor.

And the thing is… They are like cockroaches… Where there is one there are more… Many more… And you wind up walking down the hall like you’re in a “hot coal walking” challenge on Fear Factor.

No Beuno!

You’ll carry the scars with you for life.  Not only from the multitude of stitches that you’ll require during parenthood, but emotional scars too… Emotional scars from realizing that your son WILL NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME AGAIN because he just heard you scream like a girl from the 90s who got to see N’SYNC on TRL.

😢 👎🏻

A Christmas Story: Furnace Fight Scene


This blog entry has been featured on as a Brilliant Blog Post.

This blog entry has been featured on as a Brilliant Blog Post.

A Christmas Story in our Front Yard

IMG_2730Poor little guy! #ChristmasStory #Randy #ICantPutMyArmsDown #DaddysGonnaKillRalphy


Christmas Story is still the most overexposed yet underrated movie of all time. Just a straight up holiday tradition in our family. Christmas Eve = A Christmas Story marathon.

I’ve heard people talk about how it’s so overexposed and overplayed that it has lost it’s shine. Yes Turner Television owns the rights to this movie and basically plays it from Thanksgiving to Christmas on repeat and yes it’s one of the most quoted movies of all time. But to hear people say they don’t enjoy it anymore… Well fine… Don’t watch it; that means more Bumpus Hounds for me!

The thing is if you watch the film for nostalgia, it’s great. If you watch it as a family tradition, it’s perfect. But if you’re like me then you watch it for the supporting cast who make the movie what it is.

The Old Man…. Just an angry dad. He’s pissed at work, he’s pissed at the furnace and has one of the greatest quotes of all time: “Frah-GEE-lee … must be Italian.” (He’s also a Packers fan and calls the Bears the Chipmunks of Chicago!)

Mom… Mom is just that mom. The quintessential loving and overprotecting mom. Ralph’s swears… She makes him eat soap, but feels so guilty she tastes it too. Ralphy gets into a fight and she hides the truth from the old man. Through and through this mom is creating some good old fashioned Momma’s boys! Her reaction to The Old Man every time he says something stupid reminds me if how Steph looks at me when I try to tell her I know how to fix something.

Randy… Poor kid. Left behind, left out and overlooked, but leaves us with such memorable scenes as the one above, the “show me how piggies eat”, and his amazing reaction to his brother in a pink bunny suit. (Who hasn’t laughed at their siblings misery before?).

Honorable Mention: Flick…
Set off the TRIPLE-DOG-DARE craze and possibly Influenced an entire generation of people who were scared to death of getting stuck to anything frozen!