Come one come all, to the greatest show on Earth… this weekend’s epic birthday party for Jackson was an event that will go down in history. It was a mix of Ringling Bros. And Barnum and Bailey Circus and the Super Bowl without a high wire act and wardrobe malfunctions.  They say that the first birthdfay party is never for the kid, its always for the parents… well in this case it was for the parents and about 600 other people.

There were things that happened at this party that I wouldn’t have ever imagined I would be part of in my life.  There were centerpieces and a guest book. There were swag bags and multiple gift tables.  I knew things were getting out of hand when we needed a pick up truck for the cake and a separate SUV for the balloons.  There was a point in time where I thought I saw the “Good-Year blimp and it read Jackson Carmine’s a pimp.”  But then I realized that only happens in 90s rap songs .

Jax was passed around like a hot potato from friend to friend and family member to family member.  There were times where neither Steph or I could accurately locate his whereabouts.  I wish I had the baby Lo-Jack they put on him in the hospital after he was born.

This party was just outrageous; i feel like I didn’t get much of a chance to talk to everyone, but that is only because there were so many people there.  The thing is, its just nice to have so many people care about Jax (or at least care enough to drive out of their way for free food and beer).

The gifts are still piled high in the family room; there is literally no where to put things. There are things I am nervous to open because I know the amount of assembly required is going to scare the hell out of me. I am thankful for the gifts that say NO ASSEMBLY REQUIRED on the box, those make me happy (Thanks KiKi).  The friends who bought Jax a drum set, who will remain nameless (Justin and Sam) are going to regret buying this for him when I call them at 3am and play recorded audio of him smashing his cymbals.

SIDEBAR: I wonder if they have statistics on the demographics of people who actually purchase drum sets?  I would imagine the number one category would be DRUMMERS… but number two has to be friends who want to torment their friends right?  I cant see too many parents saying to themselves, you know what would be a good idea, buying our child a giant noise maker since he doesn’t already keep us up every waking minute of the day, and we should make sure that we include brass circles that sound like a storm from The Day After Tomorrow when he throws them across the floor.

I am so thankful to those who brought gifts that I can play with as well.  This ball pit is amazing, I think I am enjoying it more than he is.  As I squeezed my body inside, I wondered if this would make a good place to hide from Steph when I’m in trouble…?  Maybe the coolest thing of all is Walter the Farting Dog matching book and real farting Walter stuffed animal.  Now this is a toy I can endorse.  Literature and farts… my two favorite things in the world.

The best gift goes to Mom though.  Anything that can make this little guy laugh like this is a winner:

Huge thank you to everyone for coming and for especially for everyone who helped out especially Sandy and John!

This is how you posterize a one year old. No one was injured in the making of this video, (I lied I strained a hammy.)

The worst part for him is he picked up a foul for blocking. He set up too low in the paint… I love my son, but he isn’t going to learn anything if I take it easy on him right!!? To be the best you gotta beat the best… I love being a dad!

I don’t make this stuff up.  I’m not just writing things down to make people laugh… Remember my kid is going to read this in a few years.  About a week ago I discussed the topic of being able to put things together did fixing things.  I wasn’t kidding when I wrote about my life time ban from power tools.

I mentioned the need to hire outside agencies to assemble anything that has more than three parts and talked about how my level of skill in regards to putting stuff together is on the decline (let’s be honest it’s not on the decline; it was never high enough in the first place to be able to decline).  I don’t write stuff on here to purposely be funny or say things that I don’t mean… when i said I do not want to put anything together for Jackson’s birthday  I was being serious!

However, we must all remember that I am not in charge… not of myself, my house, my family or realistically even what I can and can’t do… that control belongs to the boss… The Wifey!  So when Steph came to me with a gigantic box and asked if I would put the new tricycle together for Jax (and by would you put this tricycle together for Jax she meant… Put this together immediately for Jackson).  I told her there was no way she was going to make me assemble this deathtrap!  No I’m kidding… of course my answer was yes.

This is not going to end well

I knew immediately I was in for a long night when I emptied the contents of the box on to the kitchen table.  There were two different instruction booklets… two… I cant even follow one set of instructions.  I began to sweat, and not like a stress sweat… I am talking about the sweat that happens when you know you are responsible for putting something together that your child will ultimately sit on and ride around.  His very life rested in my hands which were shaking as tried to steady the flat-head screwdriver (mind you all the screws were Phillips-head!)

Things were shaky in the beginning. I’m not one to get all the tools I need before I start building something.  i like to use the wait and see approach.  Maybe I can put the entire tricycle together with what a found in the kitchen drawer.  Let’s see… I have a toothpick, flat-head screw driver, scissors and scotch tape.  Done and DONE!  (Realistically, I would go on to need a hammer, two different size screw drivers, an adjustable wrenches, a  set of ratchet set and a yes, I used the scissors).

I moved through the directions step by step and seemed to be making progress.  There were a few occasions where I wish I had a “phone a friend” lifeline available, but pushed through and wound up putting together one of the most wobbly and crooked looking tricycles this side of the Mississippi.

I warned Stephanie that we may want to put a few pillows underneath Jax as we sat him on the possibly upside down seat, but we figured if he fell off… it would only make him stronger later in life.

Here is the results of three hours of work, numerous curse words and a tricycle that was supposed to have been built with all the parts included… (I had four left over):

“Hey mom, you sure this is safe?”

Sharing is caring!

#BestFriends

#BusterAndJax

With Jackson’s first birthday quickly approaching the gift ideas that are being tossed around scare the hell out of me.  “We should get him a swing set or one of those jungle gym-club house swing set combos,” Stephanie says, with the ease of someone who’s only responsibility once we buy it is to pick out a spot to put it. There would be no thought of the manual labor that goes into erecting a structure of this magnitude. 

Maybe I should clarify.  The manual  labor is not the problem… The skill involved with the manual labor is.  Until recently I wasn’t allowed to use power tools or even anything sharp and even now, Jay still has no idea I own a jigsaw and an ax.    

I used an ax and split wood. Bc I’m a MAN. an M.A.N. MAN

Matching a tie to a shirt, picking out the perfecting fitting suit… That’s more my style. I learned from the best. My dad is still one of the best dressed people I know. When it comes to tools and fixing stuff… Let’s just say Dad got things done, but usually quite unconventionally and definitely not way the instructions described the process.  

I’m surprised my brother, sister and I are still alive after all the things my dad built for us when we were kids. Case in point: our swing set.  I loved our swing set (every kid in the neighborhood wanted to get on the “spinner-winner). But that thing was a damn death trap… I don’t know about you guys, but whenever we went a certain height there was that one pole that started coming out of the ground. Every time on those swings was a life or death event… Yet we loved every second of it.

I’m no better, shower head installation = broken shower pipe. Bathtub sealing = leaking ceiling.  New screen door = door with no screen.  Hang picture frame = Picture frame sized hole in wall. Wire new kitchen light = no power for three hours.  

I’m stating this for the record now… Anything that Jackson gets for his first birthday or anything in general he gets that requires assembly, including a swing set,  I’m paying to have it built and installed. 

Lemme tell ya something…

Good idea: change batteries in smoke alarms…

Bad idea: leave alarms on bathroom sink while wife takes shower so steam sets them off waking baby. 

Oops!

National Sibling’s Day is a day to celebrate the people who’ve known you the longest… Were your first best friends, your first enemies and now your child’s god parents!  Thanks for being the 2nd and 3rd best looking siblings in the family @triciak0524 and Vinny.

These three are nothing but trouble

Planning a first birthday party is literally the most stressful and ridiculous thing I may have ever endured in my entire life.  Maybe that’s my problem… maybe I’ve become too involved.  Maybe I’m not supposed to be involved, maybe I’m supposed to sit back and let it happen… maybe I’m not even supposed to know when the date of the party is.  You know, maybe I just kind of show up like it’s my own surprise birthday party.  

Where is it exactly that we’ve gone wrong?  When did we think that a one year old needed a Royal Coronation to celebrate his first year on Earth?  

I’ve enjoyed everything and every second of this past 11+ months, but I’m not sure I’m the right guy for the birthday planning job.  I have the attention span of a preschooler and no ability to deal with indecision.  Yet I am flashed Pintrest photos every 12 seconds and am now having dreams about nautical themed party favors. 

You’d think after all these years Stef would know that I can’t process anything after 7:00pm. I want to be part of planning things for Jax.  I just can’t tell the difference between the New England lighthouse napkin holder and the Myrtle Beach lighthouse napkin holder… and I’m not sure I ever want to. I feel awful, but after 20 minutes it’s like listening to Charlie Brown’s teacher.  

Don’t get me wrong I like to have a say in things, but I’ll stick to having a say in things in know about… Unfortunately party planning is not on that list.