6.19.14. – How a New Dad Can Stay Alive

A few words of wisdom for the new dads out there… These simple rules will help you in your attempt to see another day.

1:  No more last minute rendezvous with the boys:

You that time when you were at work and finally it was time to go after checking your watch, cell phone and the wall clock in the break room every 35 seconds… and then your idiot boss tells you he needs you to do inventory … how much did you hate that guy?  On a scale of 1-10 it was about a 27 right?  SAME THING!

2. When you pull in the garage, get the F in the house:

The dogs turn into Kujo when they hear the garage door open.  Do NOT check the mailbox, talk to your neighbor about the week in baseball or how much you hate your job.  Do NOT check to see if the grass seed you planted two months ago is coming in…  There is no doubt that inside that door is a wife/mom who is sitting on the edge of the couch counting down the seconds she can go pee with the door closed.

3.  Do not ask what’s for dinner:

If you are lucky enough to not find divorce papers on the kitchen table, chalk that up as a win!

4.  Do not tell her that you day was worse than hers:

If you had a bad day, put your head down and walk silently away.  To complain about the paperwork, people you work with or commute will only result in being suffocated by a burp cloth full of regurgitated breast milk.

5.  When your wife says she is heading out… you are not BABYSITTING (IE: Adam):

You do not babysit your own child… your wife can call it babysitting because chances are all husbands still qualify as a baby and need constant supervision.

6.  Do not prop your child and his bottle up with pillows, a blanket and your latest copy of SI:

In order to free up hands for optimal remote control channel changing it may be necessary to invent a this type of prop.  If you are caught in this position when your wife had been staring at her coffee until 3:00PM you are screwed.  There is nothing you can do or say to save you from the wrath that is a wife who has seen this.

I’m telling you right now, all of these are mistakes that I have been lucky enough to survive.  The murderous look in my wife’s eyes as I try to talk my way out of these errors is scary, I’ve seen the woman give birth… there is no doubt she could end me if she so desired!  Heed my advice dads… Don’t make the same mistakes I have!>

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