Dr. Dolittle

I sincerely apologize for the Blair Witch Project cinematography, but this video is Oscar worthy. Best picture, best actor, best impression of multiple animals.

Oliver is Saturday Night Live’s new GoatBoy. What do you want… a horse? A gopher? A Yeti? He’s got you… you need a duck call? How about someone to help round up a flock of sheep? Oliver is your guy.

Most people need a few cups of coffee in the morning to even be cognizant, but not Oliver. It’s 5:35am on a Saturday morning in this video and he’s coo-cooing every animal between Noah’s Arc and Old McDonald’s Farm. He’s a savant, an animal whisperer… our very own Dr. Dolittle.

If I Ran the Zoo

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Lately I have liked to use the phrase, “you can’t rationalize with an irrational person.”  So keep that in mind as you read the rest of this blog…

I am 100% a supporter of animal right and believe we (the human race) have done more to hurt animals on our planet than we have done to protect them.  I know there are a million conservation activists who are up in arms about the Cincinnati Zoo and Harambe the Gorilla situation and I don’t blame them.  A defenseless animal was shot and killed.  But, the people who are calling for this parent to be jailed or her child taken away are out of their minds, let alone the ones who think the gorilla should have been left alone once it began dragging the child around by his legs.

Here is where my quote to live by comes into play … that “it is not rational to try and argue with irrational people.”  This blog is exactly what it set out to be: a real world take on the #DadLife.  It’s a way to laugh at some of the more scary aspects of parenting. I’ve had some interesting takes on some crazy issues of being a dad.   It doesn’t surprise me that people say the gorilla should have lived. My problem is thinking that a four year old can’t just slip away no matter how closely you are watching them.  If you think that’s impossible or has never happened than you have never tried to watch a toddler at the mall, or a park or birthday party before.  Keeping track of a toddler by themselves, let alone in a crowd, is like trying to catch smoke in your bare hands.  Toddlers are slippery little creatures.

I’m not saying it’s the norm to take your child to the zoo and have him or her end up playing pat-a-cake with an 800lbs gorilla… don’t get me wrong that is some horrible parenting for sure.  What I am saying is that children get lost in stores and at six flags every day.  If you don’t think you can lose track of your child you’re insane.  I’ve learned as a parent to prepare for the worst and keep your head on a swivel.  But as long as this parent wasn’t having a cigarette in the food court while her child was sneaking into the gorilla pit like Indiana Jones into an Egyptian tomb, then we need to cut her a little slack.

The other issue I have here is with the people who think that the gorilla could have been saved and are outraged that he was killed.  Again, I am a dog lover.  I would literally do anything to protect my dogs.  Listen, I’ve literally climbed out on a third-story balcony and tiptoed on a broken catwalk to save a baby raccoon.  Animals deserve to be treated with respect, but if you genuinely, truly think that a FOUR YEAR OLD should have been left to be thrashed around by a dump truck sized gorilla than I am not sure if you are trustworthy enough to have children in the first place.

Many people are asking why the gorilla was not tranquilized. “The tranquilizer possibly could have worked, but the key term there is ‘possibly.’ And if you were to fire a dart at an animal, he could react violently to the first opportunity that presents itself, and that would have been that small child,” said Ed Hansen, CEO of the American Association of Zoo Keepers.. “Unfortunately for the gorilla, the only really positive way to ensure the safety of the child was to dispatch the lethal force.”

It is a horrible tragedy for the wildlife and the family involved. What gets me in this whole situation is those who present the “holier than thou” mindset. Let’s just be thankful that a little boy has the rest of his life to look forward to.  Who knows, maybe he will grow up and become an animal rights activist and spend years protecting endangered animals from harm.

A Day at the Zoo

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Polar bears look cute as hell from 200 yards away!

It is amazing to think Jackson is walking on the same walkways and seeing some of the same animals I saw when I was a little boy.  The Bronx Zoo was always such a place of wonder for me and my family.  I know we were really excited to introduce Jax to such a magnificent place.  (Add in that Jax hero Peppa Pig was going to be making an exclusive appearance as part of the reopening of The Bronx Zoo Chldren’s Zoo and you have the event of the lifetime.)

The experience was nothing short of epic… the car ride itself was an adventure for the ages, including making two pit stops within ten minutes of leaving the house… Our third stop a half an hour later resulted in Jax’ bottle spilling four out of the seven ounces of milk it contained… already off to a successful start!

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At least we had an interesting time once we got there.  Tailgating at the zoo?

The trip consisted of walking 400 miles… trying to read a map (the key word being “TRYING”), it also consisted of realizing that this is exactly how I want to spend my Saturdays… with my family.

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Overall we were able to visit so many different exhibits and really experience so many different things.  Jax was interested in the different animals, he loved the rhinoceros (or the rhinosaurus, the dinosaur, as Steph thought it was called).  He wanted to jump in and crawl around with the prairie dogs, he wanted to pet a polar bear and he most definitely wanted to fight a llama.

Here’s  where things got sketchy.  Here is where mom and dad and auntie about lost their minds.

Have you ever wondered what it looks like when an alpaca comes at you 100 MPH?  Well wonder no more… call that #ClickBait… call it creative marketing… call it whatever you want… but either way… i just hooked you.  I just did you a favor.  I absolutely got your juices flowing.  Now you know how Jax felt.

The adrenaline brought on by a wild animal who is about to swallow you whole will allow you to run a marathon or lift a car off of a pinned down puppy.  He was in panic mode.  Needless to say he was not a fan of this guy:

Baby Vs. Llama

Baby Vs. Llama

Jax learned a lot during this trip to the zoo.  The most important… you can’t domesticate an undomesticated monster like a llama. I know we were in the children’s zoo and this was the part of the zoo where touching the animals was encouraged… but I’m pretty sure there’s signs every five feet at every zoo that warn you about these dangerous creatures you are about to interact with.  Now Jax knows why.

Llamas don’t like when people try to get all up in their business.  They probably don’t like being caged up and used for people’s amusement.  They want to be out in the wild doing llama things… hooking up with llama chicks and going to llama parties.  Instead they sit in captivity all day long while moms and dads force their kids to smile and pet their noses and feed them that crappy .25 cent food from the gumball machine thing.  Seeing a damn camera being whipped out only reminds them that they are just caged up and stuck forever.

This is how the zoo ended… with mommy and auntie screaming.

“Annnnnd that’s the zoo, kids.  Let’s go home because mom and Auntie Tricia need a change of underwear.”