Half and hour in and my four year-old has already made approximately 187 references to Elfie (his #ElfonTheShelf). Check out @thedadexperience on Thursday, December 20th for a hilarious look at how that damn Elf has ruined parents everywhere. There’s also an in-depth look at the #Hanukkah equivalent of the Elf called #MoistureOnAMat
What breakfast, lunch and dinner looks like with two children
“The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.”
Me: Listen to me. Jax, look, when I was a kid…when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard…and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And then one day, my dad said, “Peter, you’re 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside.” And I said, “Okay, dad.” But he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.” But, you know, I thought to myself, “I’ll go to elementary education school…l’ll teach for a little while, and then I’ll come back to it.
You remember that scene in Old School where Will Ferrell’s character takes a tranquilizer dark to the throat and then stumbles around aimlessly knocking over everything in his path? Remember that scene in Harry Potter where the troll is loose in the dungeon and starts smashing everything and destroying anything that he comes across? Yes? You do? Good then you don’t need to do much to imagine what I went through last night attempting to put up the Christmas tree with a two year old.
It was like watching Godzilla march through a Japanese village and topple over buildings and houses with no regard for humanity. Strings of lights popped, glass ornaments were launched into orbit and the dogs were forced into hiding. It became every man for himself. What should have taken an hour and included hot cocoa, laughs and fun… was more about dodging projectiles, fear of injury and trying to preserve a level of sanity that would at least keep me from drop kicking the tree out of the window.
I’ve been part of a few insane missions as a parent: changing the first huge diaper explosion, or trying to coral a herd of children at a two year old’s birthday party, but even trying to put together “some assembly required toys” is nothing compared to the challenge of installing the North Pole in your home with a toddler on the loose. “You gotta keep your head on a swivel” is the understatement of the century.
Every time I turned to hang a candy cane, every time I stepped back to check the “swoop” of the string of snowflakes, literally at every turn there was damage done to something that has been in the family for generations. Grandma’s handmade strawberry ornaments were eaten as an after dinner snack, the “baby’s first Christmas ball was thrown into the fireplace faster than any left fielder trying to catch a running tagging up from third.
I mean I love my kid and I love Christmas… but I came out of this worse for the wear. I feel like I did in high school after football two-a-days. It was a long… long……. long night, but in the end another night worth the effort!
I figured it was about time to teach Jackson about something that makes us men so manly… The Mustache. Mustache growing is more than just facial hair, it’s and art form. And what better month to do this than Movember.
In Movember, us Mo Bros, with their our new mustaches, become walking, talking billboards. Like a run or walk for charity we use our hairy ribbons to spark conversations around the often ignored issue of men’s health and seek to raise funds to support the work of the Movember Foundation.
In order to help Jax understand the importance of the Mustache I decided to take a look at the top 10 Mustaches in History:
10: Burt Reynolds (Whether you know him as Bo Bandit or Jack Horner… his ‘stache is an icon in and of itself)
9. Charlie Chaplain (The only reason he’s not higher on this list is because of the eyebrows).
8. Will Ferrel as Alex Trebek (Can’t just be Ferrell or just Trebek; has to be Ferrell as Trebek. A perfect example of a combination stache.)
7. Groucho Marx (simple… and looks like a piece of felt. I bet it’s soft.)
6. The Hulkster (Just a gorgeaus All-American fu-manchu.)
5. Wyatt Earp (Rumor has it that his mustache rode its own horse around Tombstone during the days of the Wild West.)
4. Rollie Fingers (Cool ass stache… even cooler name.)
3. Donnie Baseball (Screw you and your NO facial hair BS Steinbrenner.)
2. Tom Selleck (It’s a thing of perfection. I think it’s because you know there is a beautiful little smile under there somewhere.)
1. Mr. Yosemite Sam (I wonder if he dyes it?)
So there you have it… the ten greatest mustaches in history… All amazing in their own way; all 100% manly. I know one day my sons will grow up and want to try out the Famous Fragola Mustache… I know they will grow them in all their glory… I know they will look at it in the mirror and then, like I did, realize the only Fragola who can pull off the ‘stache is the OG Mustache Man…
Poppa Pete: (who has coincidentally drawn many comparisons to the first MUSTACHE MAN on our list- Burt Reynolds)
Now… since the writing of this original blog I have come under a cloud of controversy for leaving out a few famous staches. The following are two that were left off:
Manager Lou Brown from Major League (He only recives honorable Mention because his voice annoys me… PS: his ‘stache looks like one of those straw brooms you use to sweep out the garage.)
And lastly… a mistake on my part… a complete and under travesty being left off the stache list:
Ned Flanders (Flanders is so deserving. He is like one of those power conference runner ups who didnt get into the Big Dance because one of Mid Majors with a sub par record won their conference tourney and got an automatic bid.)