The Art of Fantasy Football Smack Talk

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Dear Jackson,

One day I want you to be well versed in the art of fantasy football insults. Fantasy smack or trash-talk…whatever you call it is vital to the experience and vital to success. When you play fantasy football for as long as I have you’ll realize that trash talk skills are directly related to fantasy football skills and more so related to over all intelligence.

Most significant others don’t get it. Your amazing mommy is one of them. She just doesn’t get why I’m up at 1230 on a Monday night texting. Well… This weeks match up came down to two players on the last drive if the game… That’s why.

There is nothing better than ending a smack talk conversation with what you know your opponent be would bring up. Eminem 8 Mile style when he destroys Papa Doc

When you can bring in props and/or outside people it’s a win/win. The best tactic to use is your 4 month old son to prove a point.

I know we will work on developing your skills as you grow into the little fantasy football legend I know you will become.

Love,

Dad (AKA: The Commish, 2X LOS Champion, Fantasy Football Legend)

Fantasy Football Commissioner

The greatest day of the year. Draft day. I already locked up my #1 pick!

Expert analysis to the above draft pick: “Really bro?? His squats are terrible as is his 40 and Herbstreet claims he has “adverse reactions to dairy, soy, and the zone blitz”

“I wouldn’t draft him in a PPR. Kid’s got no hands!”

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A Letter from the Commissioner to the Leagueions:

Good Morning Ladies,

I write because it is that time of year again when we must all start preparing for the single most important event of the year, Fantasy Football.  Yes this is more important than Vic and Mike’s weddings (no they didn’t marry each other, surprisingly enough).   First, while it sickens me to do so, I must pay my respects to our reigning champion and first ever to be presented with The Hearthstone Trophy… Jimbo (I suffer enough as a Mets fan) Brunetti and his silent co-owner Ray Glow whom I have never met, and have suspicions that it’s really Jim’s wife.

The league started off in a bad way, considering the commissioner was unable to accurately locate the BWW and was late to his own league draft.  Highlights included Ryan (I know nothing about football) Klein, ordering spicy Asian wings by saying this was not his first time “having an Asian”.  Also noted was the Jimbo our league champ left without paying his tab… typical Mets fan.  Then the Pick Heard Round the World happened.  Michael Crabtree who was fresh out of season ending Achilles surgery and was picked in the 5th round by Mr. Klein.  Words of advice for this year boys: “If he don’t have a sticker… don’t be a picker!”  Not present on draft day, Jason (I only like to draft slow guys, his words not mine) crept his way in and out of the playoffs all season before falling off the last few weeks.

Don’t forget the scoring change that had to be voted on after the draft since yours truly screwed up the settings.  If you weren’t aware, with the settings that were originally set, Jacoby Jones was projected to score 87 more points than Calvin Johnson because of the return yards scoring.  This was quickly changed and order was restored (and my team was back on track to win the league since I did not draft any returners).  Our inaugural season was marked by some huge trades, names like Calvin Johnson, Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy and Tony Homo all being packaged and shipped off to different teams than they were drafted by.

So now the league sets itself up for a new year of expectations, and Sundays filled with excitement and for some horrible drafters (RFizzle) lots of crying.  We have some new members this year who look to fill the void of the two who could not handle how we here in the “Who’s Coming With Me” league roll.  That being said I would like to formally introduce our newest members, Miguel (I hang out with Jordan Cannetelli) Dwarte, Dwight (My biceps are bigger than my brain) DiMartino and Dante (no name, sorry I actually don’t know your last name as I type this) and Zack (wait you were in the league last year) St. John.  Good luck young grasshoppers, as we come to play in this league.

The draft this year will have a few surprises.  We will be live drafting at Casa de Hearthstone. We will have a guest MC, and a chef who will cater the event.  I will not however, supply any of you alcoholics with beer, so bring your own.  If you have any specific ideas on how you would like the draft order to be selected just throw them on the Facebook league page and we will vote on them soon.

For the newbies, your team names have to be great and represent who you are a Fantasy Football Manager… unless your name is Jim Brunetti and Ray Glow and you name your team “Team Brunetti” This year, as the Commish, I claim the right to change all team names that have not been changed from the original setting, also if payments have not been made by the first week of November I also will be changing the name of your team to something of my choosing.  My hope is that Vic doesn’t pay so I can change his name to “Brother of SlimCeli”.

I hate you all… and I can’t wait to hear from y’all soon!

Peace be with you,

The Commish

First Family Vacation 7.26.14. – 8.1.14.

1:45 PM This poor kid. But I guess that’s what you get when your mom packs you 73 outfits, all your swings and chairs and jumpers and bumpers and rumpers… An entire laundry basket… Bassinet, the stand, and ohh yeah… You.

vaca

 

3:30 our first stop

I never knew what was inside a “family restroom?” There’s so much room for activities!! It’s freaking huge in here. However there is no where to change a kid! Hmm let’s install a “family bathroom”. Make it big enough to house an italian family reunion, but let’s not put a changing table in here. Totally. What are the chances a family w an infant will need to change a baby in here??!!

GET THE F OUTTA HERE with making me change my son on a dirty countertop.

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4:45 Stop Two

What better place to stop and feed a baby than the side of the highway.

By the way, who the hell puts a donation box on the side of the highway? Doesn’t seen like a great way to maximum donations… Right? Maybe Salvation Army knows something we don’t.  Do you Salvation Army…
Do you?

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First time with multiple little people in one house. Interesting.

Nap time sounded like Dueling Banjos.

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Wait so you’re saying that this spider was just itsy bitsy? And the rain came down and washed him out? Then he just came back and climbed that spout again? That’s crazy! #ItsyBitsySpider #WaitWhat #SoYoureSayin

Here cuz check this out… If you shake it it makes noise…
#Cuzzys #SharingIsCaring

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What else do u do at the beach? #SleepForDays #likefatherlikeson

Jax participating in his first mock draft w dad, uncle Mike & uncle Vic. #mrmcgibblets #MockDraft #FantasyFootball #vacation

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Changing a child on vacation happens where ever space can be found. Cape Cod was treated to many “dirty diapies” on the lawn in front of a church in Chatham, on the beach in So. Dennis, in the lobby at Chatham Bars Inn. But I think the biggest bang for our buck came with the “changing on the couch”. That firehose sprayed down the cushions… I’d say about 65,000 gallons a second were produced. That’s just Jax marking his territory. No biggie.

Sadly enough, I highly doubt that’s the grossest thing ever spilled on this couch… And that is how we leave Cape Cod 2014.