Mobile Infant 2.0

​So long ago (like three years) we were so excited to have a little crawler. I still remember the cheers and clapping like it was yesterday. But that excitement ended quickly.  We were so concerned about the table corners and fireplace hearthstone. We bubble wrapped and rubber corner guarded literally the entire house.  

And now… (Three years later) I’m watching my second son crawl around on the hardwood floor and chew on toys from who knows where. As I’m writing this something hard just bounced off the floor. I’ve narrowed the options down to the back of Oliver’s head, or… well, the front of Oliver’s head.  Then again I don’t hear any crying. No harm, no foul. 

There’s no bubble wrap, there are no corner protectors. There is a tiny carpet and to be honest. Most of the time he crawls out of sight… (out of sight- out of mind I guess).  That’s what is going to make this kid a beast.  He’s not overprotected. He probably won’t own a helmet for his bike. As a matter of fact he probably can just start putting himself to bed when he wants. 

All joking aside… I’m so proud that this little chubbers is mobile. He’s growing up so damn fast.  It’s kind of scary… even if hearing his head bounce off the floor isn’t. 😳

This is before Jax decided he wanted to measure how far Ollie could crawl and immediately before smacking himself and Oliver in the face w the tape measure.  

We’ve Gone Mobile

One minute your wondering why your baby hasn’t started crawling yet, and the next minute he’s face first in the the dogs’ food bowls trying to stuff as many doggie pellets in his mouth before you even knew he was on the move.

“Ohh Crap!  He’s gone mobile!”

Now that the wife and I are over the initial excitement and joy of watching Jax army crawl across the floor for the first time… the laughs have stopped and the tears have been dried… we are freaking the hell out!  We need to baby proof the rest of this house STAT!

Now don’t forget this house is already pretty much barricaded up, cabinets are locked up and doors are always closed because of the damage that Buster and Max have inflicted over the past eight years.

Who could forget:

The meatball massacre of '08

The meatball massacre of ’08

The paper towel debacle of '09

The paper towel debacle of ’09

The magazine disaster of '11

The magazine disaster of ’11

So yes, we are semi-prepared for a little creature patrolling the floors of our house, but I’m not sure if this is something we should have rushed.  This is a ticket for a DCF call, I know it.  “Can you explain how your son ate 14 baseball cards?”  “Sir, we were called here for possible neglect… did you know that your son is on the front lawn rolling around in dog poo?”

So… now we are at the stage of goggling potential hazards that our little man might encounter.  I literally dare you to Google the term potential hazards baby crawling!  Some recommendations that come up are:

1. Put safety locks on all windows:  WTF!?!?!!! He’s going to crawl up the wall and out the window?!

2. Put coins, keys, matches, batteries, paper clips, ashtrays, purses, and other small items out of your child’s reach: We’re screwed… when I need coins or paperclips I usually just look on the floor for one.  PS ashtrays?  Do people still smoke now a days? I think the last time I saw an ashtray was when I made one in summer camp out of mosaic tiles.

3.  Position pet food and the litter box out of baby’s way: Too bad we didn’t read this one yesterday huh?!

4.  Do not leave water in the bathtub when it is not in use. Children can drown in as little as 2 to 3 inches of water:  Who the hell does this?  I mean I guess maybe if your letting Clifford the Big Red Dog use it as a water bowl… but why else would you leave water in the tub?

I literally found website with lists that were miles long… 300 recommendations of how to avoid safety hazards.  I guess I have two options now that he is crawling.

Either the house winds up looking like this:

Child Proofing Your House

Or Jax wears this everyday:

Bubble Wrap Suit

I guess we should be more careful what we wish for!  Dear god please keep this kid under 10 MPH!