Author Archives: Peter

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Two Months

2months

Two months old? 2 months? How is that even possible? I can not even explain how much I enjoy being around this little guy. With summer here and my hours allowing for more time at home… I’m starting to see how much work it is to be a parent. But, its been worth every minute. Jackson’s personality is definitely starting to show and I feel like we’re beginning to figure out what his different moods are and what his different cries mean. 2 months of crying, popping, allergies and 2 months of crazy, insane love.

PS: He started formula this month BC of the allergies.
#1 – Allergy specialized formula is $$$$
#2 – Baby poop after formula is a different kind of poop. It has its own classification on the poop hierarchy.

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Shopping Addiction

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Your mother is sick… She has a problem. Nothing could fix it… Nothing… Not even MORE COWBELL. There is still 90% of your wardrobe sitting in your crib. I love your mom, I love you, and of course I love looking phenomenal while dressing to the 9s… But this picture shows exactly where your college fund was spent.

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Paint by Numbers

Conversation that took place last night…

-“Pete there’s paint everywhere in the kitchen!”

-“Pete you got paint on the dog?”

-“Pete… THERE IS FREAKING PAINT ON JACKSON !!! You got paint on MY SON!!!!”

——“Wasn’t me.”

He won’t tell. Not now… NOT NEVER! There’s a bond between a father and son that goes beyond that of a mother and son. Men are idiots, we know that from the second we are born. Therefor, we have an innate sense to protect each other. That gene kicks in and is in a heightened sense when it comes to the wife/mom. No way this kid rats on me! “Where’d the paint come from?” “What paint!??”

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Baby Mozart

Freaking #Mozart over here. Just tickling the ivories w his feet. So talented he said screw using my hands. I’ll just whack these toys around that are hanging over me while I compose a symphony w my feet. Gotta multi task when you’re an infant. Lots to do… Lots to see, little time to do it all.

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6.22.14. – Call in the Reinforcements

When all else fails, call over the neighbors to give your son a bath and pat his butt until he passes out.

Gotta love em… They come in with little fanfare and just get the job done. Then they’re out Seal Team 6 style. Suggestion for all you new and future parents who also have no idea what the hell you’re doing… Have these phone numbers on speed dial:

1. Pediatrics office (basically for us dads BC its highly unlikely we even know the name of the PEDs practice we use).
2. Trusted Adults: (To ask things like, can a 2 month old eat dry Cheerios? Or is it bad if I left him under the deck while I was painting and it dripped all over him?)
3. Your Parents: (Chances are they screwed up just as much as you do, but they just haven’t admitted it yet!)
4. Neighbors Who Will do Anything for you If you Give them a Glass of Wine: (Self Explanatory/ See Above).

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6.20.14. – Swaddle King

 

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So here we have the traditional swaddle. Looks beautiful… perfectly tucked, rolled and fitted. This little guy is nice and snug and ready for dreamland. My little burrito. So easy. OK OK, I can’t continue to live this lie… It’s a pre-swaddled Swaddle. It’s freaking Velcro! I’m.So.Ashamed.


At one point I had this swaddling thing down pat… People called me Abe Froman the Swaddle King from Chicago. I even won 1st place in the swaddle Olympics at baby class. All went down hill from there… I can’t even wrap him once around w/out something coming undone. Now I’m relegated to the minor leagues. Rookie…

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6.19.14. – How a New Dad Can Stay Alive

A few words of wisdom for the new dads out there… These simple rules will help you in your attempt to see another day.

1:  No more last minute rendezvous with the boys:

You that time when you were at work and finally it was time to go after checking your watch, cell phone and the wall clock in the break room every 35 seconds… and then your idiot boss tells you he needs you to do inventory … how much did you hate that guy?  On a scale of 1-10 it was about a 27 right?  SAME THING!

2. When you pull in the garage, get the F in the house:

The dogs turn into Kujo when they hear the garage door open.  Do NOT check the mailbox, talk to your neighbor about the week in baseball or how much you hate your job.  Do NOT check to see if the grass seed you planted two months ago is coming in…  There is no doubt that inside that door is a wife/mom who is sitting on the edge of the couch counting down the seconds she can go pee with the door closed.

3.  Do not ask what’s for dinner:

If you are lucky enough to not find divorce papers on the kitchen table, chalk that up as a win!

4.  Do not tell her that you day was worse than hers:

If you had a bad day, put your head down and walk silently away.  To complain about the paperwork, people you work with or commute will only result in being suffocated by a burp cloth full of regurgitated breast milk.

5.  When your wife says she is heading out… you are not BABYSITTING (IE: Adam):

You do not babysit your own child… your wife can call it babysitting because chances are all husbands still qualify as a baby and need constant supervision.

6.  Do not prop your child and his bottle up with pillows, a blanket and your latest copy of SI:

In order to free up hands for optimal remote control channel changing it may be necessary to invent a this type of prop.  If you are caught in this position when your wife had been staring at her coffee until 3:00PM you are screwed.  There is nothing you can do or say to save you from the wrath that is a wife who has seen this.

I’m telling you right now, all of these are mistakes that I have been lucky enough to survive.  The murderous look in my wife’s eyes as I try to talk my way out of these errors is scary, I’ve seen the woman give birth… there is no doubt she could end me if she so desired!  Heed my advice dads… Don’t make the same mistakes I have!>