I’m a Horrible Dad

So today wasn’t the first time I was in charge for the day (notice how I didn’t say babysitting Adam Boshell).  I’ve been in charge before, but today was different.

Today was the first time I screwed up… hang on… let me clarify… today was the first time I screwed up as far as Jax goes… hang on let me clarify that… today was the first time I screwed up as far as Jax goes when I was watching him alone… hang on let me clarify that… today was the first time I screwed up as far as Jax goes when I was watching him alone and am having continued feelings of guilt and sadness.

Daddy Day Care is a movie, the actors screw things up and the kids make a mess and get injured and then the movie is over and everyone laughs at how funny it was.  But what happens when the Dad in charge of Daddy Day Care turns around and sees his son crying because he just smashed his head on the door frame?  And you can’t just end the movie and laugh…?

I feel sick to my stomach… I called no less then 12 people for advice… I googled every possible scenario my wild imagination could come up with… is it a concussion?  Is it a fractured skull?  is it amnesia?  I know I caused some sort of head trauma… just how bad is the issue.

Everyone I talked to told me the same thing… he will be fine… he cried right away, he didn’t get sick, he didn’t act different or weird, he ate and played the rest of the day just fine.  But if all those things checked out OK… why do I still feel horrendous?

I think back to when I was a kid… when I was first born and we lived in Norwalk, the crazy neighbor upstairs dropped a flower pot on me and laster squirted me with the hose.  i jumped off my toy box in my superman cape and sliced my chin open on the side of my bed, I had multiple concussions playing football… and I turned out OK… (shut up guys…)

I just can’t shake this feeling of guilt.  I try to think about it through the lens of he wasn’t the first and won’t be the last kid to get dropped, bumped, or jolted.  Luckily everything the rest of the day turned out OK… we both survived… but barely.