Please Send Help

Please someone help. Send help. Send reinforcements. Send in the National Guard. I’m so unbelievably tired. At this point my body just doesn’t even know the difference between day and night. I can’t remember what the inside of my eyelids look like anymore.

For some reason everyone thinks it’s just new parents who don’t get any sleep. It’s just understood that a newborn causes exhaustion and endless nights. Of course having a newborn involves screaming, midnight feedings, and every-two-minute baby breathing checks. It’s not that bad though. Honestly. It’s par for the course. So, know you’re not going to get a ton of sleep, people around you know you aren’t going to get a ton of sleep and everyone lends a hand and pitches in. People bring you food and drinks. They offer to hold the baby so you can nap or shower, or nap in the shower.

Then years go bye and a second kid comes along. No one cares. No one even bats an eye about your lack of sleep anymore. No one brings you a lasagna, or asks you if you want to go rest for an hour or seven.

At first, people understand that bringing new life also brings exhaustion. It happens, we’ve all felt it. Even Jackson as a baby, who slept extremely well, at least would be up only a few times to eat. The thing is, everyone thinks it gets better… it doesn’t. It doesn’t at all. It gets worse.

I’m positive I’ve read somewhere that it’s a scientific fact that parents never feel like fully-functional human beings ever again. Either that, or the meaning of what a “fully-functional” person actual means just slowly morphs as the years go bye, because I CAN NOT remember what it feels like to NOT be tired. My eyes have finally adjusted to their new norm. You know the one that “feels like you’re driving late at night and you convince yourself that you can just close them for just a second,” just to rest them, and then when you reopen them, you’re seven miles down the road with no recollection of how you got there.

Babys, toddlers… it doesn’t matter. They never sleep through the night. At first you just hope they lay down without screaming like a banshee for hours… then it moves to worrying if they are breathing (OMG he hasn’t moved in 13 seconds. Is he still alive?!?? I better get up and check). Later… no more crib… you hope that little bowling ball doesn’t roll out of bed even with that gigantic wrought-iron fence you’ve strapped to their mattress… you’re still convinced it won’t hold them securely. The worries never end.

The best sleep she’s ever had (hanging over the crib, passed out)

Even as they grow… sleep doesn’t just appear… it’s more of a vision of a watering hole in a dry dessert… a mirage. Toddlers want 18 sips of milk, 12 books, 7 kisses, and a few hours of snuggling before they’ll even consider closing their eyes. The appearance of sleep is there. It’s always there. Not because you are well rested, but because you’ve learned to function on an hour or two of sleep at a time. Even as I write this, I’m amazed at how much I can accomplish with the sleep habits of an insomniac. All parents, in one way or another, just grow and adapt. We’re ready for what our day has in store for us. No matter how heavy those bags under our eyes seem.

It’s more than sleep deprivation though. You know relaxing time you enjoy to do things like pee or shower? Yea… peace out to those days too. The other day I tried to put Christmas decorations away… actually not even away… just take them down put them aside, so I didn’t have to listen to the animatronic Santa sing one more damn carol. I got about three decorations down before I gave up because… “Dad what are you doing?” “Dad can I have a snack?” “Dad Oliver is flushing the trains down the toilet…” “Dad Oliver is trying to ride the dog again!” Dad can I have a snack…” Dad can Oliver have a snack?” …and that was all in one breath.

I always have a tiny human being hanging off me. Hanging on my arms, attached to my leg, under my feet, climbing the wall… they are always somewhere they shouldn’t be. There is NO downtime. NO quiet time. No time to just do mindless things you used to do to relax. The army should just start using toddlers for training their recruits. The level of functioning parents operate on with constant demands, screaming, toys wizzing through the air, and the high pitched screams that come from a toddler who can’t find their red crayon is magical.

Steph nor I have gone to the bathroom solo in four years. Somehow my oldest son has learned to pick locks. This little Ocean’s Eleven wannabe has figured out how to interrupt the one private time us parents used to have. You’d think you could have a few moments to scroll through your twitter feed, or check a few emails whist in the bathroom. That is, until the door slowly, quietly slides open and your child sticks their little head through like the “Here’s Johnny” scene from Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.

Have I mentioned how tired I am? The most rest I get during the day is my hour and a half at the gym lifting weights and running a few miles. Yes, that’s rest now. Don’t get me wrong… parents aren’t sleepwalking through their day. We just learn, we grow and we adapt. We got this. But with the lack of sleep I’m functioning on… if I hear the Bubble Guppies theme song one more time, I might just snap.

……

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…………. please… just five more minutes!

Is There a Law Against… Showers?

I’m writing this blog with the hope for some validation… maybe even a little reassurance.  This may come as one of my more odd entries, but I think those parents out there may be able to connect (those of you who aren’t parents… continue reading because I promise this is something you will wonder about when you do become a parent).  It’s something I’ve been wondering about… not necessarily something I’ve thought about on a regular basis, but something that after tonight needs to be addressed…

Where does society stand on the “take a bath/shower with your kid” thing? I know this is a completely creepy question, I’m sure many people are going to wonder what the hell I am talking about and I’m confident that a lot of you KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT!!!

Kid looks like Mugatu played (Will Ferrell) in #Zoolander

So bathtime around here for the little guy is a blast. Jax is all about bathtime. He is a nut about his tubby and some bubbles.  That’s not the issue.  I don’t have any problems with that.  But what happens when you have no time, no help and are just plain and simple exhausted and don’t want a huge production?

Shower? Why not… Quick and easy… Problem is you can’t put a one year old in the shower alone.  (I think it’s like a gremlin).   So that brings us to today. I hesitated… But in the end decided to get in the shower with Jax. Many things ran through my mind… What if he pees on me? What if he sees “it”? Are there laws against this sort of stuff? Creepy I know… But there even came a point where I thought maybe we should both be in a bathing suit (see above clip from Big Daddy).

So either way the deed is done and I’m still not sure where I stand on the whole issue.  Thoughts?

PS: I want to give a little backround on my thoughts about baths in general. I don’t know a lot of guys, or people for that matter, who still take baths. I mean, here’s the thing, if you get past the fact that baths are completely gross (IE: you sit there in your own filth) baths actually don’t seem too bad; however, I would tend to think most would say it’s just kinda gross to sit there in the dirt that you are actually trying to wash off yourself.

Now, I know there are the people who shell out way to much money to have a bathtub with “whirlpool” capabilities… but those “hoity-toity” types (See: Stephanie) realistically are just dropping a bar of soap in a hottub and calling it a bath. 

The other thing that drives me absolutely nuts about a bath is the fact that I can get in a shower with the water running at 895 degrees and love it… but no matter what I do to the water in the tub it’s always too hot. There is nothing I can do other than run the water and wait for it to cool down. The problem is in a tub the water goes from boil an egg hot to shrivle your man parts cold in 3.2 seconds. There is no way to calculate the exact tempature to time ratio that allows you to enjoy the whole reason you would take a bath in the first place… relaxation.  

If I am going to take a bath and sit in my own disguistingness then I don’t want to have to do any work… having to constantly turn on the hot water, then cold water, then hot again… well that just negates my wish to not have to do any manual labor.  

I’ll stick to showers… By myself… Maybe!

if you’re going to take a bath… own it. The Hugh Hefner robe is a must!

This blog entry has been featured on Honustmum.com as a Brilliant Blog Post.

This blog entry has been featured on Honustmum.com as a Brilliant Blog Post.