All I Want for Christmas: The Real List

Dear Santa,

I’ve read what my dad says I “want” for Christmas.  I’ve got to believe you’ve been around the block enough to know that letter was BS… Who the hell spells Jeter with a G?  I also read that one that Raquel D’Apice’s kid wrote (you should definitely check it out if you haven’t gotten that letter yet: ) and he was really on to something.   So I figure it’s high time I send you my real list so that you mom and dad don’t ruin my Christmas by giving me a bunch of crap that they pretend is for me buts it’s really want they want.

Therefore, below I have listed the presents I need for Christmas… these items are non-negotiable.


  1. These things on top of Grammy’s head.   



They are hard, movable and the perfect chew toy.  I am tired of the stupid ring things mom and dad shove in the freezer.  They say they help my teeth?  How?  They’re freezing… it makes my teeth hurt even more.  Those things on Grammy’s head are awesome.  They are perfect to bite on and also make Grammy look like a cyborg when she wears them.  I must have those ASAP.

  1. The flappy things that are all over those stupid fluffy FAKE animals you keep sticking in my arms.


I don’t want the fake fluffy animals, I want the flappy things.  The animal isn’t real, but this thing that tastes so good is, so therefore I need one.  As a matter of fact, get me a bunch.  Even better you should just bring me something that has a bunch of these flappy things attached to it.

  1. The magic glass where my clone hides.


What evil person nails this magical devise to the wall?  Mom and dad have one of these in every room… they spend half their day staring into it.  Then when I look and get ready to finally talk to my clone, I get pulled away.  It’s not fair, I need to meet him so please bring me this magic glass.

  1. The rope swing around dad’s neck.


I love this thing.  It’s like it was invented with the baby in mind.  One second you’re hugging dad, the next second you can do a Tarzan jump onto the couch.  I don’t think dad wants me to have his because every time I grab his, he sticks his tongue out and makes this weird noise.  So I guess I need one of my own.

  1. The buttons off this magic wand.

I am not sure why these buttons are stuck on here, but they need to be removed.  They want to be removed.  My teeth are still not ready to chew things yet, so I try to suck them off, but it never works.  I would love to get some buttons separated for me.

  1. The round things mom has on her wrist.


Why are they so round, where do they start?  Where do they end?  It’s an existential question that I cannot answer until I can truly examine them first hand.  They must have some sort of importance because mom has millions of them, but they are always just out of my damn reach!

  1. These bits of dry snow.


I’m not even sure if they can be classified as snow, but since its white and snow is white, it must be snow… it’s simple deductive reasoning.  Mom usually wipes her nose with these and leaves yummy tasting candy all over them.  They taste best fresh, but even leftover dry snow tastes pretty good.  They must be bad for me those because they keep getting taken away.

  1. The skin off a tree branch.


I am not sure what it’s actually called, I am sure that the adults named it something stupid, but either way I am very interested in this.  The texture is quite appealing and when I can get it in my mouth I’ve been relatively happy with how it tastes.  This is more of an add on and if you can’t get me any, I’d be OK with having just items 1-7.

I’d appreciate if you could wrap everything in red, blue or green.  I’ve found that primary colors taste the best. Thanks for your time and consideration.