First Love

When your son’s first love is an electronic intelligent personal assistant. #Alexa #FirstLove #Echo #Amazon #LoveAtFirstListen ❤️😘

Thanks @amazon. As if he’s not growing up fast enough, now he’s already found true love… and the worst part is she very well might feel the same way about him… he is a pretty cool kid.

The Real Santa

So today I heard someone complain about how it is “ridiculous” that anyone takes their kid to visit Santa Claus. Why would you “lie to your child?” Again it was in passing and I’m not completely sure I know exactly what they were talking about… but I’ll assume from context clues that she was referring to the absurd rumors that Santa Claus is not real. And by absurd rumors I mean, of course Santa Clause in real.

I don’t mean in cute ending in all of the typical Christmas movie way in which we say of course Santa is real… in our hearts if we all just believe. No, I mean, I don’t have enough patience to fight a herd of people willing to trample another human on Black Friday to save $8 on a Westinghouse LED TV. I do not have enough money to pay $175 for a $13 Fingerling Monkey because someone bought the last three cases of them and is now jacking up the price on the nearest Facebook Tag Sale Site. Listen I love my kids… I love them immeasurably, but I don’t love them enough to hide a stupid elf all over my house everyday. I have enough butts to clean up after around here… I don’t need to be responsible for anymore.

Nope… not me… not now… not never. I am not Santa… and the reason I am not Santa is because the only person who is Santa is the real Santa. Now listen I’m not 100% sold on the “Elves make all the toys in their workshop” stuff… even Santa is smart enough to know Indonesia trades for pennies on the dollar snd he can get way more for his buck by outsourcing at least some of his toy making. It doesn’t take Wall Street Journal reporter to know you don’t keep a small mom and pop company thriving for thousands of years by making poor business decisions.

I very much enjoy watching my older son interact with Santa now, talk about him… call me out when I threaten to email Santa because he isn’t listen, “Yea, call him.” But there is something about watching a child meet Santa for the first time. The raw emotions are just so authentic. You either get the screaming and crying or the child that says “I’m going to pull off your beard you imposter… you’re not the real Santa… you smell of beef and cheese!”

Then there is Oliver… little ole Ollie-burger… just sat there and sized him up… “sure Santa you want to hold me for a picture? No problem, but just know I’m the one who knows if you’ve been naughty or nice…” and I guess, in the end, just give the magic of Christmas a chance before deciding if Santa is real or not… and in this case… I know Oliver knows he’s real… besides would anyone else stand outside in 25degree weather handing out candy canes if he wasn’t the real Santa? I think not.

PS: Slick move by Jax trying to bribe Jolly Old Saint Nick with his special Taggie. Listen buddy… at this point it’s going to take a lot more than a taggie to change his mind… but nice effort.

That Damn Elf on a Shelf

I guess it’s time this Elf on a Shelf thing happens. He’s here… And I can’t say anything to change that. Santa has a lot going on. I know that. You know that… we all know that. So of course he has little helpers everywhere and this house is no different.

Elfie is here to check things out. He’s just going to be a silent observer of sorts as Santa described. Bottom line… when Santa asks you for a favor… well, he’s not the type of person you can deny.


When your kid won’t eat breakfast… but your elf will. #Christmas2017 #Elfie


Great way to motivate your kid to start piano lessons. (PS Elfie is no Beethoven). #Christmas2017 #Elfie #PianoLessons #NiceHairJax


This has been the most elaborate Elfie appearance so far and will probably be the most elaborate one of the season…

PS: Is this a Flour Angel or crime scene body outline?


I’ve resorted to this. #Elfie #Christmas2017


And this effectively ended Elfie’s life… you don’t sit near, let alone in, Buster and Max’s food bowl and expect to live to tell the story. Thanks for a fun run Elfie… sorry your hat and leg were gnawed off.

I’m not sure how or why Elfie makes such a difference in some households… maybe it’s because here we don’t spend six hours suspending him and props from the ceiling with elaborate decorations… but our kid could care less about this thing, who he reports to and what the repercussions may be from misbehaving.

Case in point… RULE NUMBER ONE of fight club… don’t talk about fight club… RULE NUMBER ONE of Elf on a Shelf… don’t touch the Elf on a Shelf. To Jax this means… literally not only touch the Elf, but take him and body slam him repeatedly and then launch him into orbit. We’re screwed with this kid… Santa I hope you packed enough coal.

Never Lose Your Dinosaur

Me: Listen to me. Jax, look, when I was a kid…when I was a little boy, I always wanted to be a dinosaur. I wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus rex more than anything in the world. I made my arms short and I roamed the backyard…and I chased the neighborhood cats, and I growled and I roared. Everybody knew me and was afraid of me. And then one day, my dad said, “Peter, you’re 17. It’s time to throw childish things aside.” And I said, “Okay, dad.” But he didn’t really say that, he said, “Stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job.” But, you know, I thought to myself, “I’ll go to elementary education school…l’ll teach for a little while, and then I’ll come back to it.

Jax: How is that a skill?

Me: But I forgot how to do it.

Jax: You’re human. You could never be a dinosaur.

Jax:- Dad, what’s the point?

Me: The point is… don’t lose your dinosaur.