Here I am. Here we are. Your first day of school (daycare) is today. I’ve spent the past 20 months doing everything, but thinking about not having you in the care of your mom, myself or gram during the day. I took for granted the fact that you never had to leave our family ever. Until today…
I spent forever worrying about you going to school and how to keep you safe when you weren’t with me and writing about that, that I didn’t see how fast the time was actually going!
When we started looking for daycare sites over the summer, I was a little nervous, but thought it would be good for both you, mom and I because, I figured it would make our hectic schedules a bit easier to navigate… you know get some errands done and even be able to stay a bit later at work some nights to get things finished up. As much as I’d like to relish in the free time I’ll now have since my little guy, wait, I mean, I guess I have to say my big boy, is headed to school– Its more so of feeling empty inside with a tinge of guilt.
Did I spend as much time as I wanted to with you?
Did I savor all the precious moments?
Will I regret wishing some of the days away?
Where did the time go?
Maybe I’m not ready to send you off into the world — just yet.
Wasn’t it just yesterday that I woke up on the most uncomfortable faux leather recliner ever constructed when I realized that my life would never be the same… in a good way? I sat, slightly scared, but mostly in awe of the most beautiful little boy I’d ever seen. I was looking into your eyes for the first time and making a promise that I’d always take care of you, and love you unconditionally. You squeezed my finger, just my pointer, with your entire tiny hand. You held it like it was the only thing holding you from floating away. I laughed like crazy when you would laugh, and helped you up each time you fell when learning to walk.
Now, here I am walking you into your first classroom. Saying hello to your first teacher, telling you I love you and That I would miss you all day. Has it really been almost two years since I told Uncle Dupree that Steph had a stomach ache and we were going to the walk-in clinic down the road (meaning you were about to be born)? How did this happen, already?
I tiptoed into your room early this morning and there were so many things I wanted to say to you. Things I know I’ve probably whispered to you a million times while I rocked you to sleep and already covered in the many blogs I’ve written leading up to this day, but by this point you know me and you know there isn’t a chance I would let this moment go by with out telling you again. Just incase you’re anything like me and need things repeated 15 times before you “really” hear them.
1. It sucks being the new kid (even if you’re to young to care). I know what it’s like trying to fit in… So don’t try to fit in. Be you. Be a leader NOT a follower.
2. You are going to struggle… A LOT! We’ve done everything for you. Sometimes to a fault. You are going to have to try to do things for yourself and it’s going to be hard. You ARE going to fail. But when you do, pick yourself back up and try again. Don’t ever give up on yourself.
3. This is all going to be new, and scary and unfamiliar. That’s normal. That’s the circle of life. But each day you will become more comfortable in your surroundings. And when you are finally comfortable… look to help the next new person. You have no idea how much a smile and helping hand means to someone.
4. I want to tell you how torn I am between wanting to keep you close to me ⭐️⭐️⭐️ALWAYS⭐️⭐️⭐️. Torn between keeping you so close that I know you can never be hurt… and wanting you to have new experiences and see the diversity the world has to offer, because I can’t provide you with that by myself.
5. I want to tell you how I prayed last night that everyone who meets you, teachers, parents and peers will see you as your mother and I see you… Intelligent, caring, inquisitive, funny and creative. I hope you always see yourself as I do too.
Most importantly… I wanted to say: I love you… And… Please stop growing up so fast.